As I like it

Winding up, Looking forward

2011-12-31T19:28:00.003-07:00

2011 was not just another year. Some beautiful things happened.
Visited Bay area, attended powerful programs, saw the Devi, ecstatic after a friend's visit, made new commitments, drove to Alaska, enjoying a pleasant winter, and now gearing up for an experience-of-a-lifetime early next year.
Could not have asked for anything better;
Grateful for each lesson learnt;

Looking forward to THE trip to India. It feels like home. Always!
I can't wait to smell the air,...people....look awed at all the new changes as we drive out...mmm...

Lots of adventure - me alone with S for over 24 hrs!!!
Lots of shopping
Lots of meeting & greeting
Lots of yummy food
A visit to the beach, hopefully :)
Staying awake a whole night
And LOTS of meditation!!!

2012...Can't wait.
I am all yours!

Giving

2011-12-15T12:05:00.006-07:00

I read Sadhguru's article recently here.

While I dramatically make big issues about receiving, this man shows it on my face that I am receiving in more ways than I know. And now I realize that blatant truth.
It took me a day to shake the shock out of me & face reality.
It seems so natural(& mechanical) to think so many times about receiving something from someone. I think about repaying it someway/somehow until I actually do so.

Life is not about ethics or morals like I've been taught growing up. It seems much simpler than that. As a kid, this seems simple. But after all the complexities I am caught up with, it is an eon in itself to carefully "unlearn" everything I learnt so carelessly.
Sometimes, when I am caught up with, "Oh, how do I teach her(S)how to handle this? How do I teach her how to share? How do I change her attitude to these things?", I catch myself settle & realize that I need to just let her be herself instead of pushing my garbage into her growth. It is the most important lesson I have to learn.
Learning is easier than unlearning!!!

A movie I saw few years ago, shook me to this same extent.

I don't know the ultimate truth behind both. I don't know how the Universe functions. I don't know how I function. I don't even know if I wish I knew it all.
*SIGH*

Ha!!!

2011-10-31T21:47:00.003-06:00

Woke up to snow this morning. :)
First snow of the season. Made all of us smile, specially S. S wanted to dress up warm & go out to play in the snow to make snow balls, but it melted away by then.
Then it became sunny.
On the way to pick up S from school, from nowhere I saw a weird shape of a cloud. I was really wondering what would this cloud bring. In less than a minute, HAIL...where I was. but 1 km away the sun was shining bright.
I love this lovable city. The top reason for the love is the city's unpredictable weather.
Can't really say Winter is here. Can't say it is not here as well.
Weird. But every bit beautiful. :)

My Deepavali

2011-10-26T17:58:00.005-06:00

One of those flashy thought days!!!
Today: Deepavali.
When did I grow up? When did I learn to cook?
When did I know how to take care of a kid? When did I outgrow being around my mother?
When did I stop wanting to be taken care of like a kid?

Seems like yesterday, Amma was braiding my hair. Today, I am combing S's hair to grab a pony.
Seems like yesterday, I was holding Amma's hands wherever I went. Today, I am running behind S to hold my hand. :)
Seems like yesterday I heard Appa say, "Wow! You make us feel like we have 4 people in this house". Today, I enjoy the quietness when S goes to sleep.
Seems like yesterday, Amma would kiss me through the night as I would not allow her to do it in public. Today, S smiles & kisses me when she wakes up.

Seems like yesterday, I would compel Amma to watch a movie with me. (she would not wish it, but still watch it with me). Today, S forces me to do the same. I feel like Amma. But still do it sometimes.
Definitely yesterday, when I was sick & won't allow Amma to do any work(but be with me & talk to me). Today, S definitely does the same (only when she is sick:))

Wow! History repeats itself. Do I wish I realized it when the whole world around me was shouting it in my ears all along?
Naaaaaaa.....Don't think so. :)

P.S: Made some delicacies for the kids at S's school. They celebrate the festivals of the world. Probably took me for a spiral ride in flash back being in the giving side now.

seasons change

2011-10-26T17:40:00.006-06:00

It interests me to realize how much I can settle down.
Being so high in latitude, 4000 ft abv sea level and so close to the Rockies...yet I expected somewhere for the Summer to last(not forever, at least a little longer). Well! at least Fall.

The weather over the last few days have been so alarmingly different through the day. Two days ago when G mentioned that the low was -4C, I was like, "WHAT???" Seems like I was in la-la land all along.
Seriously, when did Fall fall away?

Six months of grrr weather ahead. It gives me the chill just thinking of it. I honestly forgot how cold it gets. How cold does it feel!!!
No Calgarian is (probably) prepared or ready to welcome it. But it comes. When it has to. :)
Today was a different day(like every single day). As I was driving S to her school, I saw the weather change. It wasn't subtle anymore. I smiled. It was beautiful. How nature has its ways of waking me to reality?
I am in no way prepared to think of the next few months. But in all humility, I can say that it brings a smile on my face to see a snowstorm(from the insides of a warm home). Many many days where I will feel grateful for all I have so I can smile when I see the white world outside.
Truly humbling!

P.S: It is going to be a challenge to drive S to her school everyday, but we'll see. :)

Grasshopper thoughts

2011-09-22T23:40:00.003-06:00

I have not been hibernating. Trust me.
On the contrary so much has been happening in life, my life, our life that I am at loss of what to write about.
Should I write about incredible Canada, where every corner I look shows me a family from a country so far away?
Should I write about our travels, our recent road trip to Alaska which has changed me unlike any other road trip?
Should I write about Munira, S's pre-school teacher, who goes to India to volunteer with organizations & sets up montessori schools there?
Should I write about how S is teaching me every single day to be a mother?
Should I write about how grateful I've been feeling about my parents lately for they allowed me to be ... just me?
Should I write about the joy I have when I see my school? How so many emotions are tied up with that second home?

I could pour my heart out & still barely scratch the surface. I feel blessed. To have all these people in my life, I currently have.

Going back...not backwards

2011-07-21T22:15:00.003-06:00

I have been watching myself lately. I am so much happier. So much more joyful. I feel life within. I breathe. I smell. I enjoy. I respond.
All the simple things in life matter so much more to me now than ever.
I feel like a child in many ways.
I enjoy music. I enjoy the sun...seriously, that is a big deal for me. I enjoy the storms. I enjoy good company. I enjoy being alone.
In so many ways, I feel fulfilled. I do not worry about a tomorrow, though I plan for it.

I am able to do so many things with abandon. As if I don't care. Truth is I care too much. About what I do. Not about the outcome. It is freedom in many ways. Some people may call it liberation. But it seems too big a word, right now. Freedom is fine. Happiness seems just right. :)
Having S around definitely adds to the beauty, as she is so full of life too. I seem to be attracting intense & joyful people too :)
I am grateful. For what I am today. Thanks to Isha.

More life = more happiness?

2011-06-07T15:48:00.003-06:00

I really do not want to make a statement or judgement. But something happened today & I realized that generalizing this could be ok...of course with exceptions, as usual.

Older people have seen more. They have lived more. So, they should be happier...right?
Well, I have mostly seen it to be au contraire.
Today, me & S were at the Garden. We have an organic plot, where we grow organic vegetables. Actually, we have just started.
So, I was respectfully sowing all my seeds. There is no way S would just sit & SEE me do it for 45 minutes. She had better things to do; Like digging the mud, getting all dirty, watering plants, blowing a dandelion. You know, STUFF.
And I let her do it. As if I have options, huh?
But I ask her to let me know where she goes(within the garden of course) & I check on her every couple of minutes. Knowingly, she would also raise her head every few minutes to meet my eyes.
On one such eye contact, I saw her lifting a big stone & putting it somewhere. I saw an elderly man, trying to tell her something. So, I went closer to check. He told me angrily, "Do you know what she just did?" Poor thing! By then she guessed something was wrong & she was the reason. She put her head down & made a :( face.
She had actually accomplished in lifting up a big stone but put it inside someone else's lot, as in where someone grew plants. The old man got so angry. I told him, "I am sorry. I will talk to her." I figured, it has already been done & the least I could do was talk to her & explain what she has done. He got so upset. He said, "The least you could do is supervise her" & went away. I smiled. At S. By then, she was expecting something from me. When I explained what she did upset that "thatha" she felt bad. And said she won't do it again. And then she followed me to our lot & never left my sight after that.
A very small incident. This old man would have been in his later 60's. I agree, at this age, plants mean so much. Still!
I was filled with, "Children are not born knowing everything...they don't understand what we want...heck! they don't understand what they want"...along those lines. But then I stopped myself saying I was trying to be a victim to this situation.
I decided then. I don't want to be resentful if I am old & alive. I want to enjoy & experience every moment of this joyous life. I realized that this moment...if gone, is gone. I don't want to save my life for when I am 60. I don't want to care for 60. I want to care for now. And my now is S. As long as I am a child WITH her, she will take care of that for me. What a blessing a child can be!

BSP happened

2011-05-24T09:46:00.005-06:00

with a BANG. I am completely blown over. And the party of life has begun!
The intensity of just 3 days was way more than the total intensity of my entire life.
The whole world seems like a whole new place. And I feel so privileged to be a part of this.
Every person I see seems to be a part of me & I feel like I am a part of every single thing around me. It feels strangely wonderful.
When it comes to Isha, I am always at a loss for words because what I experience is way beyond than words can express.
The ashram, Mahima, the residents, the volunteers, the food, the work - everything is powerfully humbling. Every moment of everyday, whatever happens there & the impact of what is happening there is just too much to even comprehend.
The volunteers, how many ever times I look at them, just the way they are, the way they served us food, the very willingness of how much they want to be a part of making this happen to participants like me is overwhelming.

BSP was different. Very different from any program I've attended even with Isha, but the constant outcome is the same. Transformation!!! BSP has changed the very way I am. The way I look at things. In all ways, I can call it rebirth. I lost a lot of rubbish that was weighing me down, knowingly & unknowingly.

Duh me. But Sadhguru is a huge possibility & I so hope humanity could make use of this man.
Many people who have tried to express their experience of BSP, I've seen them in tears. If they ever manage to say something, all they say is that they cannot express it in words. Well, I am no different.

Inspired

2011-05-10T23:52:00.004-06:00

I am blessed to have the opportunity to meet some wonderful people everyday. When I take S to classes. Those people don't work. The work they do cannot be done if they have no passion in what they do.
So, I often have inspiring talks with some of them to hear their experiences from over the years. Each of them have been dealing with children all their lives. Their stories are...dramatically inspiring, to say the least.
One was a case worker in the North-really North, where the temperature dips to -40C when the Sun never shows up(& those are many days). It was disheartening to know they would need a Children case worker in such areas. The enlightening information I received through him was that the natives, unlike I expected, are abused by drugs. They load themselves with alcohol heavily & constantly force their children(some as young as 3 years) to drink as well. Why? was my first question. The answer was disgusting to say the least. Apparently, the government pays them to live there in the reserves & they don't need to work to earn a living. Worse news is the more people in the family, the more their income. So, lack of work & free money is making people ruin their own lives. All the kids are physically abused & are more than happy to run away to other places. Not to mention I was disturbed for a long time after hearing this.
Recently, I had a conversation with their Director, who goes into the heart of Manitoba(to where the Polar Bears roam, actually) to train kids find their talent, or to give them some support at the least. She makes this trip every year & every time her heart pounds. She never knows how she will be treated, if she will even come back alive. She told me that it feels like walking into a lion's den...every single time. I had tears in my eyes just listening to her. Her stories were similar to the ones I'd heard earlier. But my heart hadn't hardened just yet. In spite of all this, she ended saying that every time she comes back home, she feels grateful for her life. And this, my dear is a 2 time cancer survivor. She is by far the most realized being I've ever seen.
Every time I walk in to the class with S, I don't know what I'll encounter. Just wait to get enlightened, which hasn't failed to happen almost every single time. I am grateful for my experiences thus far. There is more to this land than that meets the eye.

A precious weekend

2011-05-04T00:11:00.009-06:00

Point Reyes. Pacific coast. The famous 101. Golden Gate. San Francisco skyline. The sequence of what I saw as I landed into this country. Familiarity. Smile. I know places like the back of my head and it sure felt like home. Home for 7 wonderful years. Even in my wildest dreams I did not think I would find myself in SFO and someone would pick me up. It seemed surreal. Too good even for a story. I am probably creating drama, but this city brought back memories.

Sadhguru's Shambhavi Program & Yantra consecrations! I did not think what I'd receive being here. I just came. I could not be anywhere else. And what I have received is more than I even realize right now. Just being in such a space, doing what I could do, in the most efficient way possible that there is no me anymore. That is the best part of being a Volunteer. Each of us do everything possible to make this happen for others, WILLINGLY. There is really no difference between me & others. We all become one with one single focus.

And the Devi! I am not a Devi person. Never! But this Devi is something. She brought love, grace & tears to someone like me. She is no God. Something more, if that is possible. She seems real. The chants are going on inside me even now.

What a huge possibility a weekend can be! I was left tired, sleepless & exhausted. But fulfilled. As fulfilled as I've ever known.

Yet another milestone

2011-04-03T00:30:00.001-06:00

S turns 3 today. She is absolutely bubbly & loving now & is pretty excited about cutting a cake. She can speak & understand Tamil & English & can effectively push me away from a store that does not interest her. She needs a cuddle to go to sleep & is capable of making me listen to her. :)
She has been my best gift so far & I truly bow down to her for being so patient with me. I am logging as much as I can about her & her growth, the first 3 years of her life. Not because I want to show her how much she has grown or how much she has learnt from me. But because she has taught me soooooo much. I am grateful to her for every lesson of love, affection, forgiveness, sadness, happiness, adventure, challenge & most of all patience. It has been quite a ride. And she guided me through each one of them.
Some people have already started forcing me to think about a sibling for S. But fortunately, I had thought about it much earlier. The happiness I get from her is sufficiently adequate. I am NOT yearning for more. I know my limitations. :)
This day, I am grateful for a family to call my own & for the gracious blessing(our little S) that has been showered on us.
Happy Birthday S! Thank you for being you.

Calgary

2011-02-28T16:35:00.005-07:00

One more place I associate good memories with.
It has been -20C & below for the last 2 weeks.
Some snow & a lot of Ice.
White everywhere.
I feel cold.
Intense cold.
Ideally, I should be depressed.
Most residents are.
But,
I am not.

I am grateful to witness the white beauty...and the silence that comes with it.
I am grateful for the heater ...I would not be alive otherwise. Truly! :)
I am grateful for the joy that comes to me when I go out in the cold weather...of course, dressed appropriately.
I am not complaining, but my cold tolerance is better than that to heat. Don't ask me how I survived Chennai heat for so many years. It was definitely not this hot then...thanks to global warming.
The cold is teaching me so many things. It makes me observe negligible things.
I feel deeply grateful for the winter.
That said, I am eagerly waiting for the Spring. :)

Amma chalo

2011-02-12T09:11:00.005-07:00

I am not an avid shopper. Okay, I am becoming one...sometimes.
So, I had to go to the mall to buy something specific. But got drifted towards Old Navy. S stepped in & had one look at the insides. She immediately knew that it was not a toy store or a candy store or a play area. One look at me & she says, "Amma chalooo"(pointing hand in the exact opposite direction of the store) making a body language used by farmers to move the bulls. As in Go, go, go. She stops it only if I make the move in the said direction. Heights of embarrassment when performed in a crowded mall. This is not the first time, but I am still dumbstruck. Needless to mention G is a happy father, extremely proud of his daughter. Ugh, family!!!

On this day,

2011-01-29T07:30:00.005-07:00

I feel
-moved. To have a husband who surprised me with a birthday cake(even after repeatedly saying "I don't want anything") & a daughter who discovered it in the fridge.
-blessed. To live in the same lifetime as someone like Sadhguru.
-happy. To have life in this body.
-fulfilled. To not want many things I once wanted.
-privileged. To have people who love me, in spite of all my limitations.
-complete. To have a brother I never had & a little mad girl who means the world.

A truly blessed life.
Whom do I thank? What words can convey how I feel? When will I stop wanting to express things that cannot be expressed?

Fear

2011-01-16T10:48:00.003-07:00

There are situations(or even people) that I'd be gladly away from. I am not a loner, but would like to stay away from people who are trouble or who may cause my inner balance to sway. I don't like to get into politics or be a subject of discussion.
But, in the last few days I realized. These people or situations are not a bad thing. They are not my enemies. They are necessary so I get out of a few things I need to get out of. All this while, these people or situations caused turmoil to tremor(situation depending) ONLY because I allowed them to do so. It was I that gave them the importance they now have.
When I saw this, it brought new strength within. My fear seems to have vanished. I no longer want to avoid situations. There is something to learn & overcome round every corner. I know I knew this all along. What was the difference? Well, it is the difference between knowing something & experiencing it. It is the difference between the mind & the self.
Thanks to the book I've been reading. I am not blindly believing the book here. But it has definitely helped me to see things from a different perspective. And that has made all the difference.
It is complete unlearning. You believe so many things when you are a child. But as you grow up, you dampen all those beliefs instead of seeking the truth. Survival becomes top priority. And then when you actually start seeking, you throw away all the garbage you've collected over the adult years so you could go back to your childhood, with the only exception: they are not just beliefs anymore.
Truly a worthy life. Every minute of it.

Maybe I am weird

2011-01-09T15:15:00.006-07:00

I went for a walk today. Temperature reading -13C something. But the wind was howling horrendously. I wanted to feel the wind on my face. But G gladly gave my balaclava to save my face. As I walked out, a neighbor greeted. Seeing me all geared up, he said, "I don't think you are going out now. It is -29C". The windchill, he meant. I smiled & walked down.
The minute I walked out into the cold, I realized, "-29C! What was I thinking???" I just had one layer of Jeans. The magic # is 15 or -15 to be specific. If the temperature reads below the magic#, I should be using 2 layers. Even more, snow pants. Alas! Too late. I could not feel my thighs in a little bit & the wind was bellowing from behind. I did not think of my way back just yet.
I decided to walk as much as I could. It felt so good. Just being in that pinching cold. I was decently dressed. Winter boots, jeans, a down jacket over a t-shirt, gloves, balaclava & my parka's hood. I was considerably warm. But my eyes were seeing & feeling the cold. All the drifting snow was slowing me down. I realized, "Why should I speed, anyways? I am taking a walk." And so I allowed myself to slow down.
That same minute I slowed down, I began to notice things that I would otherwise oversee.
I thought not of all the mighty animals- the bears, the deers, the wolves. But the sparrow came to mind. Yes. We have sparrows here, very similar to the ones back in India, but these are probably a tad on the healthier side. Apparently, they cannot hibernate & they live in a small enclosure outside our apartment. They fly to & fro. Maybe to keep themselves warm. I don't know if their numbers diminish in winter. But I see them surviving every minute of every day. I was so hesitant to place some bird feed outside for them the other day. I did not want to alter their habitat.
Anyways, today, I developed a heartfelt respect towards these tiny birds. It is no joke surviving the winter here in the open.
On my way back, I felt the wind. 50km per hr says the weather channel. The workers who were clearing up snow from the sidewalk, gave me a weird look. I smiled at them from inside my balaclava. Too bad they could not see it. :)
It was a short walk. Next time, I will make it longer.
Everyone should take such a walk in a blizzard/cyclone/storm. It definitely aids in looking at life differently. If we survive to tell the story, that is.

2010

2010-12-30T04:00:00.001-07:00

From 2004, I've had memorable New Year Eve's. In the sense, I was witnessing something different.
Let me see if my memory serves me right.
2004 - My first New Year in the US. Watched the fireworks in San Francisco. My first visit to this beautiful city too. :)
2005 - Hiked to see the Elephant seals in Ano Nuevo SP, Ca. High fever. But did not want to miss it at any cost.
2006 - Heard the fireworks from our tent. Camped in Anza Borrego State Park, Ca.
2007 - SF fireworks from Angel Island. We backpacked & camped in cold 37F.
2008 - Quiet time in Palm Springs, Ca.
2009 - A quiet night after returning from a trip to San Diego.
2010 - SF fireworks from Treasure Island sans all the crowd.

2011 will be different. Very different from what I had in mind as different earlier.
I find myself in extreme gratefulness. Extreme joy & love. For nothing in particular.
I feel thankful to witness another New Year. So, I AM in a different place this year too. Just a different dimension, that's all. :)
2010 has been a very memorable year for me.
-Lost 25lbs of fat. :)
-Learning to skate.
-Sledding!!! My new love. :)
-A for-good move from the US.
-Entering the relatively smaller city of Calgary.
-starting life from scratch.
-Driving a SUV.
-watching my very first snowfall from inside the house. :)
-my very first trip to Banff.
-And many more trips to the Canadian Rockies.
-my very first trip to Florida.
-A roadtrip to the subarctic Yellowknife.
-My trip to the TN Ashram.
Really. Cannot ask for more.

On the personal front: I've become less of a planner. I still plan. A lot, by some people's standards. Still a lot less by my own. I have learnt to go with the flow, thanks to some people who worked hard on me.
A new me...did some things, I've never done before.
Broke a few limitations.
Had a chance to experience motherhood in a totally different way.
Met some wonderful people.
Lost myself volunteering for 3 IE classes.
Managed to find best friends after not having the need for it all my life.
Completely awestruck seeing S grow. She has been my best teacher so far.
This year has had ups & downs way more than any year in my life. I am grateful for the confusion it created in me. Thanks to the clarity I've had afterwards.
Understood how limited words can be...(but still make futile attempts to put experiences in words...like this blog)
Truly in touch with my inner self(way more than before).
Above all, found my Guru.

I am not comparing my life with someone else's. I am just grateful & touched with what I have right now. I feel truly blessed. For everything that is around me. More importantly, for everything that is not around me. :)

2011 is a year. Another year. Of 365 new days. Which can be made any way we make it.
A Very Happy New Year!

Some man he!

2010-12-13T18:37:00.004-07:00

So. I managed to read Robert Fischer's "Gandhi". For some reason, I did not want to read his autobiography(again). I wanted to read about him as a second person.
And since this book was the inspiration for the movie "Gandhi", I was able to relate to it better.
The whole book went all "Mahatma" about him. There were words that touched the heart.
"He did not want the British to have no strength to fight Indians; He wanted them to not have the heart to do so."

It may seem immaterial, but what touched me most about the Mahatma was that he was not born like one. He was a normal atman with all the crap like we all have.
In his younger years, he had told lies, got immensely furious on many things. But he rose over all of it. His vision made him do so.
What touched me even more was that he contradicted himself on many occasions. He never settled with one thing. He was constantly learning to do what is best for a given situation at that particular time.
And his blackmails to "fast unto death"...this man tortured nothing but his self. Whatever opinion I have about him would be an absolute understatement.

I used to wonder. No. I was sure. This man did not take up any post. He probably fell in the same timespan as Nehru or Patel & managed to get popular. But as the book said, his main tool was strength(and truth). And without him, now, I doubt if we'd have gotten independence via non-violence.
And, his diet...WOW! Really. Fruits, vegetables, nuts & goat milk? Call him crazy. But he walked 3-4miles a day at the verge of his 77th birthday. And he passed away one year later. That is something.

He accomplished so many things. So many. I just lost focus after sometime. Just the spirit of the man is haunting me now. I am so overwhelmed. How can someone be like this? Very difficult. No reason he stands as a statue at the Ferry Building in San Francisco.
But. As Sadhguru says, we don't need any more Hindus, Christians or Muslims. We need Krishnas. Christs. And Prophets. Loads of them.
This guy lived like one.
I don't want to cry. But something is deeply moved inside. Priorities may have been altered. I am yet to wait & watch. Phew!

The Ashram Life

2010-12-02T07:31:00.005-07:00

I have had a very different notion of what an Ashram is, all along. Or I am not sure. Did I care about to even think of one? If at all I did, I would have thought that an ashram is a dull & boring place where everyone thinks & speaks of God. No one tells lies. Everyone would(should)be morally Mr.correct. Again, I did not think women lived in an ashram.
An ashram would be a painfully demanding place where you are inflicted with misery. It would be secluded from the outside world.
With all these assumptions in mind, no doubt, I would conclude that an ashram is the last place you want to end up at. Ugh!

I had the privilege of "living" in an ashram recently. A couple days only. Still. All I could think of it right now is, those few days were THE most happiest days of my life so far. And that is saying something. I will consider myself as one of the fortunate ones whose life has been blessed with many a child-like happy moments.
I will not consider myself as a religious person. I've always found myself going in that line, differ a little, completely reject it all along my life. Still, my questions were unanswered. I've debated on God & Religion n number of times with so many people. I wasn't even close to compromising with anything others had to tell me.
But since last year, I have been diverting all these questions inward. And now, at this ashram, I found a secret tool to aid in this process: SILENCE.
Everything I could not understand with asking questions, Silence is constantly helping me to decipher my questions & answers.
This place is no ashram, in fact.
It is so full of life. From 5.00 am until 10.00 pm you constantly do something...er...productive. Sometimes, there is no time to even walk. You got to run. And those times are many. Be it working in the kitchen or doing your practices or helping out in the various activities...there was always something to do. And this one day would be so eventful & productive that I hardly thought about yesterday or tomorrow. What a freedom! And two whole meals a day kept me healthy & awake every single day.

The part of the day I always looked forward to was 4.00pm. Volleyball Time!!! The last time I entered a Volleyball court was at school. And that was a long time ago. I had almost forgot how much I enjoyed playing VB.
There was so much to do that I did not have time to talk. So, all those silent moments added quickly & there was a new me. I was never really known for my silence. Not until now.
The ashram has around 40 residents on an average & this number would hugely expand during programs. Obviously, the work-to-be-done would also increase multi-fold. But the best part is, the amount of work, the sleeplessness of the volunteers & residents would be kept unaware from the participants. They were...I was treated specially when I was a participant. It is very easy & comfortable when I was the giver. But when I had to receive...it was so difficult. I struggled. I did not want to be special. I wanted to be one among them. But then, I learnt how to accept gracefully. It was not an easy lesson, to say the least.
Of course, the obvious one! All of the residents & volunteers looked the same. It was as if they all shared a common heart & mind and not to forget "focus". No one uttered one unnecessary word out of context. So much awareness.
They are ever-loving, ever-patient & ever-ready to help...whatever work they may have. What a privilege to be amongst them!
But then again, they are not the boring ashram people too. They enjoyed sharing a laugh at every chance they got. Which they did.
Again, it is not an ashram, for any of you who have trouble with that word. It is one big joint family, only that there are no differences as it is a like-minded group.
Now, how many of us would've dreamed of such a place? I know I have.:)
That is the Isha Institute of Inner Sciences for you.

Guru Pooja

2010-12-01T16:14:00.005-07:00

Coming from a not-so-traditional-but-yet-conventional Brahmin family, Sanskrit always intrigued me. Though I did not learn it, I've learnt quite a bit of Sanskrit words in the name of slokas as a kid. But nothing really meant any sense to me & I definitely did not know the value of it.
Now, after all these years, I have received something from a very sacred place taught in a very traditional manner. Two days of just uttering those words with others, gives me the shivers even now. This is what a Gurukulam would have been like. When there was nothing to write down. You just listen & sing(about a hundred times) until your whole being gets it.
I heard the Guru pooja for the first time at my Inner Engineering. It felt like something but I managed not to give it too much thought. There was already too much going on in the class.
But every single time I've had the opportunity since then, I would find tears flood my eyes. The pooja itself, the words, the way it is done, will bring devotion even to the most logical person. It did. To me.
When I received it last pournami, I felt blessed...in a strange way. So much gratitude at just uttering these words. I don't know what the words mean. I am not interested. But everyday, as I start my day with the pooja, every single day has been different. Good different. I did not know a mantra could do this to me until now.
The magnitude of the privilege of uttering these words is still beyond me. And I am so glad they did not give out the benefits explicitly. Now I just do it without wondering if something is happening or not.
I feel so grateful.

2010-11-24T07:29:00.005-07:00

Calgary and most of the West is under a Winter Spell. It has been -20C for the last 1 week. Not so much snow, but the cold really gets to the bones unless you are dressed appropriately. It feels like Christmas already. All the evergreens are adorned with brilliant white snow. Just beautiful!
S says it is cold. She says, "winter is here". But no complains so far. I feel so gratified, though she is probably too young to complain. She loves to go out however be the weather outside.
The temperature read positive today(just on the border) & it feels so warm. Relatively.
I am amazed how I underestimate my tolerance limit. From "how are people surviving in that cold" to "It's not too bad", I feel like laughing at my own deceptive mind.
So, there is my first winter snowstorm & I survived gracefully. Will wait for the chinooks now. :)

I have been smiling at the snow for reasons unlimited. I am known to complain about the heat & now I learnt my lesson. Next summer will be warmly welcomed.
Though it seems oblivious, I seem to thank the man-made invention called "heater". The weather is probably making me philosophical, but I am thinking of the "bare necessities" for now. I sure have way more than I need. And I feel truly grateful.

Gandhi-the man & the movie

2010-11-11T17:41:00.004-07:00

I think I have mentioned this earlier. But I was never a big fan of this man, thanks to my limited knowledge. I always believed that violence was an answer. But, today, when I heard this man say, "An eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind" I truly hope I got the meaning behind his words. What powerful words & what noble intentions!!!! I dare not say so. By saying so, we can put him somewhere high up & continue to do our nonsenses. Today, the world is in such a state that each & every person should think like him. Maybe not totally. Extending out to the whole nation or the entire world may seem as a Mahatman...but we can surely extend our current periphery.
This man went on a fast-unto-death until the Hindu Muslim fight stopped. What will he do in today's world?
One Gandhi managed to get us freedom. But how many more do we need to sustain this independence?
I did not go "Boo Boo Pakistan" nor "Hurray India". Finally I have grown up, I think!
This movie, Gandhi, should not be played just on Gandhi Jayanthi(I hope they play it at least once a year). It should ring bells in our hearts every day. So much awareness. This man only did what was absolutely needed...his whole life.
I managed to listen to the interview by Richard Attenborough(Director) & it was painful to hear him say that they encountered problems shooting this film as no one wanted a foreigner to play Gandhi. I will join the millions in saying Ben Kingsley did more than he could in being Gandhi.
Reserved a copy of Gandhi-the book by Louis Fischer, which motivated this movie, apparently.

A joke

2010-11-01T05:28:00.001-06:00

A recent joke G told me. :)

What do you call someone who talks only one language?
A: An American.

Does it happen only in Canada?

2010-10-28T07:53:00.002-06:00

I get to meet a lot of people, thanks to the classes I take S to. The one thing that has not ceased to amaze me in Canada(among many other things) is the diversity amongst people. I meet 5 people & they are all from different countries. And yet, they behave like they are equally amicable. Like, yesterday, I met a lady from Pakistan. Being in India, I've never really had ill-feelings towards Pakistani's. Pakistan, maybe. But not the people. And I told her, "You and me talking like this...It can probably happen only in Canada." To my surprise, she told me that her husband is an Indian. Canadian now, but Indian origin. From Madras. That told me they haven't been home for a very long time. She did not know that Madras has moved to Chennai now:)
But seriously, all this boundaries, these limitations, who is stopping me from breaking it? After all, it is me who created it.
And these Pakistanis, they talk Hindi, so hell...I can even talk to them.
Is there any other place on Earth like Canada? I would really like to know.

Take Inner Engineering online

2010-10-20T11:46:00.004-06:00

2010-10-14T09:18:00.003-06:00

Of all the things I've experienced in this life...anger, jealousy, love, affection, compassion, joy, misery, the best thing by far is Devotion. Shambho...

Blindsight

2010-10-11T17:31:00.003-06:00

This is definitely a better movie-er, more like a documentary, real life story.
I saw one word, Everest on the DVD & picked it up. Turns out that this guy, Erik had climbed the Everest. If that is no big deal, which I think it is, here is more truth. He is blind.
Here is the IMDB rating.
The documentary goes about how Erik leads a team of 6 blind kids & their guardians up to the peak of Lakhpa-Ri, 23000ft, right close to Everest.
What this means to Erik & his team & how different do the Tibetans feel about this climb is potrayed very well.
Sabriye, a blind German woman runs a school, "Braille without borders" at Tibet
What she decides to do when 3 out of her 6 students had to go down the mountain at just 3000ft below the summit is mind-blowing. It feels right in every sense.
A must watch, I would say.
About Sabriye Tenberken. She is something.

Enthiran

2010-10-11T17:06:00.004-06:00

This was the first time I knew so many south Indians live in this part of the world. There were only 2 shows. I have no clue how G picked up from his friend that it was happening in a downtown theatre. I don't know if I should call him a die-hard fan, but he enjoys all Rajni movies. He made me watch Sivaji as well. This one...well, let's see I survived because of Harry Potter. I was almost at the end of the last book & used G's iPhone light to read the book in the theatre. I would've been stoned to death if I was doing this in Chennai. That's for sure.
The first half was over before I knew it. I enjoyed the comedy a lot. Rajni makes a good comedian. His innocence comes out. Specially the first Mariyatha electro-magnetic mode. It was sooooo funny.
But I just hated so many things.
-Ash was used as a doll. Well, when was the last time she wasn't? Not sure, honestly.
-The songs did not stick to my mind or heart or brain. I hadn't heard it even once before watching the movie. And I don't plan on listening to it again. So, it is ot going to grow on me...as they say for any Rahman song.
-Truly, I do not know the purpose of this movie. Hollywood movies are released in Chennai. Some of them are good & loads of folks go watch it. Why create another cheap T3? It so remminded me of Rise of the Machines.
-Having said that, our strong point is story & emotion(loads of movies to prove). But I do not expect such a movie from Shankar. So.
-When Sujatha's "En iniya Enthira" came out on TV, I think it created a craze. I remember watching it too. And I think I liked it. But not a full fledge rajni-like Robot.
There was some paper throwing, lots of whistling & yelling from some guys that G called as "bachelors". I don't know who they are, but they sure gave us a feel of Chennai.
I am biased. I have paranoia watching hit movies. And I am horrible with science.
I did not expect the movie to touch my heart, so I am not disappointed. I left the movie, or rather the movie left me at the theatre itself. Which is good.
I know I have quite a few companions here, but I have antagonized a huge majority. But really, just because it is rajni & just because it is screened for 2 shows, parents, you really did not have to bring kids in strollers into the theatre. I am sure you did not expect a lullaby inside.
It felt horrible to see all the toddlers/kids so sleepy having missed their afternoon nap.

A letter

2010-10-02T19:15:00.002-06:00

Dated: Oct 1st 2010
Dear Self,
The world is just so immensely beautiful. The sky is beautiful. Today, just a couple of minutes ago, I was out, looking at the night sky. The moon had not yet risen. But the sky was lit by billions of diamond-like stars. It was a perfect analogy to sing “Twinkle Twinkle” to S out by the picnic table as she fell asleep on me.
I am at Hay River, NWT, Canada. Above the 60th parallel. About 500 odd km S of the Arctic Ocean.
From where I sat, one of the long stretches of the beaches at Great Slave Lake, all alone, if I looked up, I had a 365 degree view. But my extended peripheral vision was a good 180 degrees only. Inspite of that, I counted…I saw 23 shooting stars. At that instant, I realized there were millions more shooting themselves out.
It was so still. OK. There were dogs howling that made me think of wolves, for an instant. But still, it was still. Everything. Including me. I did not exist. I just witnessed. Life is happening at this very instant. Life & Death, in a way. I was overcome by so much stillness that I was able to notice so many minute things. I saw many things moving. I don’t know if they were stars or planes(most not likely). I am not hallucinating. I saw them. But I did not know what they were or how they did that. I did not want to know.
Usually, I am the kind who loves to look at the stars from behind a telescope. I might eventually get one. But today, it is one of those days. I saw many stars forming various different shapes. I did not bother to know which is what. I just sat there, looking up, until I had a stiff neck.
I was not hunting for the Aurora tonight. I was not sleepy. It was dark. I was not scared. I was not hoping to do something specific. I was just there. And I did not plan on making any of the above happen.
I am at least 1500km from what I call as ‘home’. But tonight, I feel at home. Here, in this boreal forest, I am at home. As strange as that may sound. ☺
Love,

Why did I want to write a letter to myself?
I was alone in that darkness for something that felt like eternity. I was so overwhelmed. I thought, “Wish Appa was here!” for a while(I learnt my astronomy basics from him). Maybe I wished for a couple other people to be there with me. But, in reality, only I was there. Just myself. I want to share this immense beauty lest I forget it. It is very easy to get lost in small things in everyday life. :)

A milestone

2010-09-17T09:41:00.007-06:00

Today,exactly a year ago, 17th September 2009 was my first day of Shambhavi. My association with Isha. The first 40 days, for some reason, did not look like a milestone. I continued it twice even after the 40 days. And then 2 months later, I took my first trip to the Tennessee Ashram for my Shoonya. And the 6 months target was also touched. Since then, no looking back. But now, 1 year. Sure seems like a milestone. Don't know why. But it does. I am aware that there are so many people with more than 15 years association with Isha. But this is my journey. And I feel many things. Mostly grateful.
Life has changed immensely. I'd have probably missed my daily practices for about 5 days in all of this 365 days. It did not seem easy to even think of doing 2 hours of practice every day for 1 year. But somehow, it happened. Between S. Between all our travels. It just happened.
It feels like the worst of the my life is behind me. I don't have anything to look forward to. Just honestly grateful for everything around me.
I've been fortunate to spend considerable time with some long-time volunteers & fellow meditators. I don't know what I missed. But the 1 year has been quite a learning experience. I've had moments of intense emotions, ecstasy & absolute confusion. With every single emotion, the veil was removed to reveal something way bigger. From a logic-understanding person to a devout, it's been quite a journey.
One year has been a good time for me to realize that this is my path. This path, where I have to constantly be aware & alert, lest I lose the joy of life.
At this point, I don't feel forced to take up other advanced courses(though I know they will find a way). Inner Engineering alone is enough to shed loads & loads of stuff I'd been unknowingly carrying for so long. And I feel so light today.
I used to get angry for everything. Something. Nothing. Now, I don't have a reason to get angry on anything. I don't have anger in me to share it with those around me.
I don't need to get to a beach, don't need to hike 10 miles, see the mountains, watch a sunrise to feel happy. I am just pleasant & happy by myself...though I totally enjoy all of the above.
This so-called world has shrunk or is it my world that has expanded? I am not able to point a finger at.
And of course the very "insignificant" side effects of Shambhavi.
1. I've lost 22-25 lbs of weight.
2. I sleep about 5-6 hours a night I wake up with so much joy & life.
3. I have very deep sleep.
4. I am enjoying finer things in life.
5. I've been told more than once that I look at least 6 years younger.
6. I've never felt healthier.

And now you can do the same course online.

Caught my act

2010-09-14T20:25:00.005-06:00

I owe today's post to Deepak. I was alone at home in the afternoon. Someone knocked on the door. I opened to find some kids. Though soliciting is not entertained in our complex, I somehow did not feel offended seeing them.
One of the kids asked me to buy a piece of chocolate for $2 as donation for their school. I did not even think. Just said, "I don't have cash. Maybe some other time". They replied, "oh, okay" and found his way to the next apartment. I locked the door. But something struck me. I looked in my purse to find $20. So, picked up some laundry coins & went back after the kids. Fortunately, I found them.
"Found some change", I admitted sheepishly.
The boy smiled. "Thank you", he said.
The chocolate tasted divine, no doubt.

I don't know what made me refuse the first time. I told myself that it was ok(absolutely) to buy something unnecessary for myself. The kid's smile lit up my face. I am still smiling.

Love

2010-09-08T08:30:00.004-06:00

What is love? Most times, Love comes off as an expression of a feeling. It means expressing it to someone. It always needs someone to show it to. Else, it feels incomplete. Whenever I've experienced this kind of feeling I would always look for someone to show it to. It is precious. It is priceless.
BUT.
What if we have a feeling towards someone & that person is not around? That immense feeling that has a desperate need to be expressed, but is unable to because THE person to be showered it with is not around.
Ok, you can call, talk to that person. Tell "I Love you" a million times. But still, it doesn't settle. The moment you drop that phone, you want to call back & talk it out all over again.
The important fact is the pleasant feeling it leaves us with. It leaves a permanent smile. You want to smile for as long as you can.

BUT again.
What if I want to be loving? Not bothered. Not waiting for that perfect person to come around. What if I am able to just love. NO. I am not talking about universal love or loving this entire world. I am talking about a specific individual. ME. After all, isn't love all about me? If I can love someoNe soooooooo much, can't I spill this love around where I live?
After all, I really do not know what is permanent or impermanent any more. What if I just love every moment of this life? Whoever comes into my life, can't I just bow down & love them unconditionally. I really do not want love in return. I just have the need to love.
If this sounds abstract, forgive me. I am just back from being in Inner Engineering & amongst Isha Volunteers. I am in Bliss.

Volunteering with Isha

2010-08-30T06:28:00.004-06:00

I know what made me want to go to Florida(from Canada) to volunteer for the IE class.
With the IE online happening, there could be some time before this class happens again.
But I was not so sure after making reservations. After all, I took the class in San Francisco & I have family & friends there. It made so much sense to stay with someone whom I already knew.
But there I was sitting on a plane in Calgary. Absolutely pleasant & joyful for no apparent reason.
A series of fortunate events happened. IE happened. Again! And I am blown over. All over again. In a completely different way. And how so grateful I am!
Today is the last day of the class. I've been living in close association with so many volunteers.
SO many things happened. I can barely find words. So, I am not even going to try.
But I am noticing one difference distinctly. The past is no more. The future is not here yet. I am living in the now - No, not even today. Just this moment. I have sometimes tried to remember what happened yesterday. Surprisingly & fortunately, I am unable to. It may not last forever, but I am thankful for as long as it lasts.

Every Isha volunteer manages to touch me the same way. Being here, it seems like I've known these people for eternity. And its been 6 days so far.

I expected something drastic from this trip & this class. It has been quite a ride so far, thanks to a few people. :)
I was also stunned to see a 15 year old boy taking the class. I can only imagine how much his life would change.

It has been a bliss so far. So much gratitude. I bow down.
Thank you Florida volunteers.

crossing boundaries

2010-08-25T21:49:00.004-06:00

7.00 am. I am sitting on a plane. Alone. I look behind. Calgary downtown lit up by the morning Sun. And the Silhouette of the Rockies in the backdrop. I wonder. No. Conclude. There is no city that has a landscape like this. Well. I always considered San Francisco to have one of the best skylines too. That counts. And this too. :)
In a while I am airborne. Got a twist in the neck looking out of the window hoping to follow the Rockies. I probably followed until what seemed like Denver(beneath the clouds) & then all I know is we were 140 mi from Houston. This is the first time I am flying into IAH. And all I could think of was, "Houston, we have a problem". How dramatic!
Geography is important to me. So, I was (actually)hoping to find the border from 37000ft high up. Where Canada meets the US. But I couldn't. It all looked the same. Until Houston. But Houston was different. All of a sudden a busy airport. Too many people(Pardon me, no pun intended). And steak everywhere. It should be hard to survive in Houston. And the weather. What's with the 90F?
I was getting ready to taste the worse(or better?)

IAH. Comfortably closed myself to the situation & plugged into the iPod. Ah. My world.
The second flight. A little bumpy. We were crossing the Gulf of Mexico. The geo freak in me was looking hard for the oil spills. Hallucinations helped in identifying everything brown as oil. So stopped at that. Landed in Tampa. Rains! Not so bad. But the cats & dogs(er, the rain) reminds me of Calgary-(subtract)the cold. And the humidity.
Good to see the beach. And the pelicans. And a couple of bridges. A toll bridge. Strike of horror!
1. toll $1.00
2. Gas price $2.50/gallon. Sweet!
Add no state income tax. Wow. Will I settle here? Nah!
To Calgary! cheers.

Why am I here? Will follow. For now, enjoying the bliss of being here.

Front of the class

2010-08-08T17:58:00.003-06:00

One of the best movies I've seen lately.
The movie is based on a book by the same name. It is based on the real life story of Brad Cohen who did not allow his Tourette's syndrome to win over him. He still lives in Atlanta, GA doing what he wanted to do all his life, Teach.
I had similar emotions when I watched the "kadavul ullame" song from Anbulla Rajinikanth long long ago.
More read about Tourette's syndrome here.

It is really wonderful to see how the 2nd grade class kids had no issues with their teacher's syndrome.
The movie gave lot to ponder about.
A wonderful watch.

Many Lives Many Masters

2010-07-26T16:40:00.005-06:00

Definitely not "just another" book. I cannot call it inspirational but would willingly agree to say "life transforming"(to say the least). But it can shake you completely if you will.
While reading the book, I cannot deny, I started to believe what was being told, at least a part of it, but now, as I sit and write, I am...confused. All the more. And as I know, confusion is good. Better than a conclusion.
A friend mentioned that she read this book as she would her Ph.D thesis.
The book belongs to the same genre as the one I read earlier, but it goes a level higher with scientific proof. ie., if you consider Psychiatry as science.
It is very easy to dismiss the content of this book as illogical(even with the scientific proof) because the content is such.

"A life cannot be rushed, cannot be worked on a schedule as so many people want it to be. We must accept what comes to us at a given time, not ask for more. But life is endless, so we never die; we were never really born. We just pass through different phases. There is no end. Humans have many dimensions. But time is not as we see time, but rather in lessons that are learned."

This book, like the previous one I read, also talks about everything being energy. Will I be able to eventually grasp what this mystic is telling? Or maybe it cannot be told. I am becoming a big I DO NOT KNOW. And that is okay with me. :)

The author.

Code Name God

2010-07-23T00:57:00.003-06:00

I came across this book through a friend. The name sounded interesting & hence reserved a copy at the library. I had no idea what this book is about & did not bother doing research either.
Only when I had the book in my hand did I know it was about Quantum physics. :)
The author, Mani Bhaumik, the brains behind the LASIK invention writes about his poverty-stricken life in India & his journey of getting out of that "black hole".
He successfully managed to become one of the millionaires of Los Angeles. But.
That was not enough. That did not mean anything. The book is about his journey inward. It was a page-turner to say the least.

And now about Quantum physics. I've heard Sadhguru speak about science. But never really thought it significant enough to look it up & verify his quote. Science on some level, never really mattered to me. But Mani speaks of Quantum physics & the presence of energy, only makes me smile. I do not believe anything. I do not not-believe anything. That's all I can do when things go above my head. And I truly doubt if it would make a difference to me if Science says something different from Yoga.

On a side note, I totally cherished Mani's thoughts on Gandhi. As a kid, when I did not believe in non-violence, I really wondered what this man did to get us freedom.
I cherish Mani's words, "Gandhi is not a human. Gandhi is the spirit/energy that longs for peace/freedom for ever"...(something in that context).
Now that I am making efforts to learn about this man's life, I also realize how easily we keep him up on a pedestal & make him a great man. I think he would be happier if one of us followed what he lived his life for.

Trust is very different from belief & I hope some people could understand this.
In all, a good book. Loved it.

2010-06-25T10:44:00.002-06:00

S planted her first seed 2 days ago. She was so excited trying to dig a hole, put the seed in & pour water.
It's a given that Canada is populated with immigrants. And the Government is doing so much for the new generation.
They have art programs, gym time, indoor play area, movie days, Help me grow times for kids. And it is all free.
I learnt about this recently & have benefited greatly in just 2 visits.
S absolutely loved being in the garden. They use organic fertilizers(I am yet to find out what they are) & the parents get to reap the veggies. I picked up a bunch of spinach & mint leaves. My cooking yesterday costed me nothing, we all ate organic food & I am also glad that we contribute to the community. Next week, we will go check on the zucchini that we planted & plant some more.
From the post, if it is obvious that I had more fun, maybe you are right. I am getting to learn so much from all that is available.
Hopefully, I gather enough information to sustain an organic farm when I build a home.

S also had so much fun running around in the Jungle gym. It is similar to Pump It Up in the US. Wish they could do something like this in Indian schools.

The day has come

2010-06-17T18:03:00.006-06:00

when I am really happy. For my Mother mostly, but also for so many things untellable.
Amma has just returned from Isha Yoga Center for an advanced program & she has been raving ever since she got back yesterday.

Amma did her Inner Engineering 3 months ago. She has been regular with her practices. And in just 2 months time, the family doctor has reduced her sugar medication to almost nil. While I wait for the day it actually becomes NIL, I am so relieved, satisfied & grateful that this has happened. She has also dropped all other medications that she was on.
She has been peaceful, energetic & happy for no reason apparently & I can definitely see a big change in her. And the way I am sharing things with her, I told her that I've never felt so close to her, ever. And it means a lot to say this when she is 60.

But yesterday, when she was sharing her visit to the Ashram, my heart just wanted to be there. How privileged are some people!
Amma has an extremely low tolerance to cleanliness. If she says, "Clean" it should be really clean. And the way she was describing how "clean" and "organized" the entire Ashram was, I was a little stunned and very happy.
I would ideally call my mother extremely logical & practical but she is also open to anything unknown. She knows that she does not know many things & has no problem in accepting it or trying to learn something new.

I should mention that I specifically told her not to take up the IE program for some reasons. But she registered(after the exposure she had with me & G) & then told me. And then she said, that's it. Nothing higher. She was happy. But one day, she volunteered for a similar program & she told me that she was doing her BSP. She was very determined about it & I could not be happier.

It has been over a year that I stopped believing and turned away from the so called English medicines. My experiences with Isha only reinstate that belief. While I don't know what Yoga does to my body & mind, I realize that it is something way more powerful than I can even imagine. Maybe I'll know some day, or may be I won't. It doesn't matter, really.
Good health is only a side effect, says Sadhguru. If the side effect is so unbelievable & truly amazing, I can only imagine the magnitude the main effect.

Frankly I am not sure if I am jealous or happy for Amma. She has done the program I've always been wanting to do & it has not fallen into place yet(for me). It is a mixed feeling, but mostly happy!

A tribute

2010-06-11T10:32:00.005-06:00

I've known 2 father's in my life pretty closely. One was mine & one my daughter's. One I know as father alone & the other, have the privilege of seeing one become so.
Though it would've been tough, I think G took the transition to fatherhood pretty well. Now, all I see him is as a father & I say this with deep satisfaction & gratefulness. And the reason to that is probably my own father. While I will wait for my daughter to write about her father, this post is about my father. The person I looked up to as my Idol; My hero in my own right.
My memories about my childhood days are vivid. I have special memories about my school, my home, all those travels up North, my astronomy time with Appa, all those books & rhymes he got & enthusiastically read out to me. A large part of this vests with Appa.
The reason he is still fresh in my memory is probably because he has affected me very very deeply. And continues to do so.
He took his work seriously. He was a professor. An Economist. Not just anyone at that. Education was everything to him. His college, his life. He treated his students as family but would never get any gift from them for as long as he lived.
He took his family seriously. He was a good father, a good husband & a very good human being. He often saw us as his responsibilities & he showed his affection through that. As a result, his affection was crude & rough; He loved his family nevertheless.
He took his life seriously. He lived a life that touched people around him. When our servant maids had issues with their husbands, they would always bring their husbands in front of Appa. And Appa's word held. My school teachers looked up to Appa. He was a learned one & behaved like one. A very courteous gentleman. Chivalrous, not so much, but that much more gentle. He would foresee Summer water shortages in Chennai & make us all use only one bucket of water throughout the year. This rule applied to my aunt who came over during Summer too. No one thought of not following the rules. Appa always said, "When I come to your house, I will follow your rules". And he was true to his words. I've never seen him lie under any circumstance.
He took care of his aged mother. But handled the MIL-DIL issues so well. He always checked on his mother, every single day as soon as he entered home. But if his mother complained anything about Amma, he would always ask her to stop it(not change the topic). My mother was a working woman & he respected her for that. He would help with all he knew at home. Never waited that Amma should give him food/water.
Amma has always told me that Appa has never let her down in front of his mother, but his responsibility towards his mother was not based on his mother's behavior.

As much as he was a silent person, he would get absolute child-like excitement when he found someone to talk about Economics or Medicine or Politics or Budget or Gardening or construction. He was all about learning. He would spend hours helping his students with their M.Phil or Ph.D thesis.

He lived his life as per his rules. I've never seen him being influenced by anyone.
And he had a short temper. The temper would go as soon as it came. And I used to be the main reason for his temper. :)
Somewhere he wanted me to be successful & like every father, he feared that I might not. My interest in sports(& every other thing) only added fuel to fire.

Times other than studies, I've really enjoyed him the most.
-Those long astronomy sessions where a jute ball was Earth, another big ball, the Sun where he showed me Rotation & Revolution, I'm sure I could've never learnt from any School/Teacher.
-I can never forget those umpteen hours spent in working on the garden. I would be so tired, but loved every learning moment with him. No one could spent one moment with him & not learn anything in return. He was so much wealth.
-Or those times, when he showed me how to change bulbs & fuses around home. I've learnt a lot about construction through him. He had a book for every subject. He never feared to say, "I don't know" in spite of a Ph.D behind his name. He brought reading into my life.
-Not to mention the "softy" ice cream he got for me when I walked for as long as he walked. Those were many many days.
-Those days he took me to the beach & got only "Cholam" as everything else was unhealthy. He was pretty excited about the water they sold in the beach. He would show me how fresh water is dug out from the beach sand that houses salt water.
-Those pillow fights where he would never let me win. Huffing & puffing for air, we'd call out to Amma.
-Those carrom/chess games where he would always win. I would always win the "Bluff" in cards, though.

Me & Appa had tiffs all the time(he would tease me a lot) & I've always run to Amma for support. And she would support me unconditionally, every single time(& run back to Appa once I become alright). But if there was a slight debate between Amma & Appa, I'd always support Appa, hands down. Amma knows this, but she is still the same. Always my support.

There are moments when I felt he was obstinate & stubborn, but those came out because of his passion.
He passed away while I was still at school. Probably that's why he did everything in a hurry. He spent so much time with me, maybe because he wanted to make every moment count. Thanks to that, so many years later, even now, I can still talk about him like it was yesterday.

It was not until I joined the college he worked did I actually know how many lives he had changed. I'd be called in the middle of a class to be introduced to someone who knew Appa well(a retired Prof, an old friend, an old teacher/mentor). I always was the pearl of all my teachers; I think they showed their love & gratitude to Appa this way. I always felt welcome when I went to the Department room. If I had an issue, that was the place I'd turn to.
When I left college as "Class First", I felt rather relieved, because that was what my father always wanted for me. I knew I made him proud.
There were times in my life when in a situation, I used to wonder how Appa would handle it & then handle it the same way.

And so, it was only obvious that I wanted a husband, who was something like my father. G has taken this journey from "nowhere near" to "pretty close". But I know I cannot compare.

Everytime I see S & G bond, I smile. I know that G would be the Hero in S's life. He would be the man she would look up to. He would be the man who always has the answers.
Everytime I look at them, I look at me & Appa. I smile.

Distance yourself

2010-06-08T12:55:00.004-06:00

A couple months ago, I was extremely fortunate to host a friend for a couple of days. Two days spent in her presence & company is possibly the richest memory I can ever treasure. I learnt lessons by talking to her, listening to her & observing her.
One important lesson I learnt was to "Distance myself". From anything. From everything. Specially from other people's lives.
When I was told this, it hurt. Quite a bit. The situation was such. A common friend was going through a rough patch. And this common friend is very dear to me, almost like family. So, I was a little(okay, very) concerned that she would end up with a wrong decision, for her or her family. It is not one of those poking-your-nose scenarios. I was genuinely concerned.
But this friend, asked me to distance myself from the whole thing. She said, "Let her figure it out for herself". I was not convinced that that was the best solution at that point in time. But I have extreme respect for this person. So I stopped poking my nose. And guess what happened? My friend eventually figured it out.
And I was like "Duh!".
Fortunately, this friend is not the kind who says, "Told you so."

I used to feel & live other's misery as my own. I thought that was feeling responsible & being there for them. Ever since I learnt this valuable lesson, I just let them(whoever it is) be. And I know that is the best thing I can do to them.
The liberation I get when I say this is immense.
I am able to be unattached to the person & the situation while still feeling responsible. I don't carry anyone's emotions with me when I walk around anymore.
It is like living life without any judgements. Experiencing life as it is!

Very easily said, you may say. I said so too. But when I thought about it, there is actually nothing you can do to another to help them make the right decision. You can definitely not make them take YOUR decision.(It is their life & they need to lead it their way, remember?) So the only thing you can do is accept the situation. It is not being helpless or indifferent, but probably the most intelligent way to live.

One year ago

2010-06-01T08:24:00.005-06:00

I walked to a small temple nearby. It was a special day for the little one. A quiet moment for us. S loves to play with the kittens in the temple.
I bought an archanai plate from a vendor outside. He was the first one I saw. But another vendor, a lady, a usual(vendor) was watching this & as I entered the temple started abusing. Usually my mother buys from her & today we bought it from someone else. I reminded myself, "A quiet moment...". I patiently told her that it was not intentional(& I am not a regular at the temple nor was the archanai). She was in talking mode- not listening. So I continued my way into the temple. The temple took my mind off a little from the incident. This place is almost like how it was when I was a child. I had spent days eating lunch here.
On my way out, I had to pass the same lady. Now, she was wild. I told her, "I was going inside the temple...Do you have to be so angry? Next time I will remind myself to buy from you." What I said passed right through her. Another lady walked her way into the conversation & in the process of sorting things out, shoved a bunch of drumsticks in my hand & demanded Rs.10. ??? If it was me 6-7 years ago, I would have fought my way out of both these ladies. Somehow, I did not want to. It made no sense.

This incident stayed in my mind & I started developing horrible views on Indian's sense of religion/spirituality. Everything has come down to money. This is what I thought. And never really bothered to look around for an answer.
Two days ago, I was reading a friend's blog. It is not totally related, but he quoted Sadhguru, "we cannot talk spirituality when we have a hungry mouth around". Bharathiyar & Swami Vivekananda have also quoted on this.
Something struck me. And this one-year-old incident cropped up. It was no rocket science to tie both ends together.
They care a damn about Gods or Religion or Spirituality. All they need is something that could buy them a day's meal. And I took away her day's meal from her. If I was her, I'd probably do the same. If I look back now, she seems to me as the most honest human being. She was not being someone else. She was not trying to impress anyone.

And this thought made me face truth. Unless humanity can get themselves out of survival mode, we cannot dwell in something more or even start looking for something beyond.
The painful fact in the solution overrode any satisfaction in finding a logical answer to my inner query.

Simplifying life

2010-05-28T10:09:00.002-06:00

This is also an irony! All through our early adult life we add things to our life assuming it will make us more complete. And after realization sets in that those accessories were the ones that created stress in the first place, we get down to "detox" our lives by learning to simplify our lives.
We have restarted our camping vacations now & it is life changing, to say the least. Canadian hotels are expensive. For the sweeping array of places that we would love to see, camping proves to be a decent-budget option, if not the only one.
Earlier, we always carried a laptop so that we could stay connected. But these days, we just love the fact that the places we go don't have access to the rest of the world. With the phone & internet turned off, we turned "ourselves" on. And all of a sudden it looks like we got new self's.

Weekend comes & goes. No doubt we end up working more than we usually do. But the fact remains that we enjoy every bit of what we do & hence only feel rejuvenated. Ready to take the routine of the 5 days ahead.
How beautiful would it be if we do only that we enjoy? Shouldn't we be doing only that? Wouldn't that be an insurance for leading a stress-free life?

My stupidity exposed

2010-05-27T10:44:00.002-06:00

Ok! Here's how stupid I got last night.
G was working late last night. He came home after I went to put S to sleep.
I heard some sound outside & conveniently assumed that G had returned.
As usual it turned out that me slept with S. About 2 hrs later I heard some noise, like someone bouncing a ball. Wondering why G would bounce a ball at 11pm, I was wondering if I should get up. Just then G entered the room & whispered, "I came in after 2 hours". Half asleep, I was like, "whaaaat??"
Then when I asked him, he replied, "The door was locked from inside. I tried to open since 9pm & came in by 11pm. So went to eat at Tim Hortons. It was yuck! Filled up gas & came home. Planned to sleep in the car but was concerned that you may get worried not seeing me when you wake up".
And he said this with no anger or frustration.
This taught me a lesson or what...

I felt so bad. How more stupid could I get? Could I have not checked the door before I went to sleep? Would I have taken the situation in the same way that he took it. How much frustrated he should have been!

This though disturbed me for a while at night. In the morning, I asked him, "How did you not react? How did you not want to shout at me?". He replied calmly, "I thought about it & realized that you did not do it intentionally".
I found a paper near the door, "Don't get worried, I am sleeping in the car or will probably go to office". I could only imagine what all would've happened in those 2 hours.
I concluded that I had lost all privileges of getting angry on anything at all!
A very humbling lesson from G. And I am grateful for what I have in my plate as a family.

Irony

2010-05-19T11:13:00.002-06:00

I've known some people for so many years. Yet feel so distant from them at times. Some people, I've hardly met, but I seem to know a lot about them & actually feel their intensity & pain. Ironic, isn't it?
In that context, I am thankful to the Internet & WWW. It has made it a small world. You live in some corner of the world & are able to connect to a person on the equator. I think it is brilliant. The virtual world has indeed brought the theory of all-inclusiveness to a different level(I wanted to use "dimension" but refrained).
Wherever I am, I never feel alone.

A thought

2010-05-18T14:16:00.003-06:00

What is a thought?
I looked up. Says Wiki

I was being raided left & right by thoughts during my Surya Namaskars today. I bring back my mind. Another thought! And the process goes on. After a point, I just wanted the mind to sleep or go away somewhere.
I used to love psychology all though my later childhood & early adult life. It seemed intriguing. But today, I just did not want to learn the history or geography or the psychology of my mind. I just wanted it to go away so I could do my practices.
As Sadhguru says, "You will have to become illogical, uneducated...to understand what I have to say". For once, I am able to understand the magnitude of this statement to some extent. And this comes from a man who can live without any thoughts for days together!!!
Our lives these days are dominated by the mind. Definitely not hearts, for most of us at least. The fact is we do not realize it as much. And when realization dawns, it is like, "Duh! What were you thinking?"

Earlier, I used to try hard to not think. That was supposed to conquering the mind. And then I hear a man that said, "why do you want to conquer that which does not exist?"(mentioned in a different context, but works well for me here too)
And today I read that mind is nothing but self-created. If there was no body there would be no mind. Is there an answer in that? I don't know just yet.

Isha Vidhya

2010-05-12T08:19:00.009-06:00

A friend's birthday wish is here.
And another friend donated two kid's education for this friend's birthday.
Something in me shook. I trembled. I hit my forehead. Why did it not occur to me earlier? Why didn't I do it earlier? Why didn't I give education to 2 kids? Why did I stop with one? I gifted a child her education & I felt so gloated about giving something. It probably satisfied my ego well.
And I spoke to another friend about Isha Vidhya & told about this first friend's wish. Something clicked for her & she offered to gift education to 2 kids in the next 2 months for her kid's birthday. Wow! I like this chain reaction.
The way I see it is like this. How many kids can we give birth to? I am happy with one, thank you. But nothing stops me from feeling like a parent to so many others.
And these kids, maan, they are smart or what? They are dreamers. They dream about becoming a Doctor. They dream about becoming a Teacher. Can't we make their dream come true?
If it is a moral issue, I've heard the age old saying, "Your left hand should not know what your right hand gives in charity." But I am able to relate to Sadhguru's words better, "Charity is vulgar. Only when there is no love can you do charity." That man never fails to drive a nail hard.
So, is this post about sharing to the world what I did? No. NO! I want to spread the word. Because, at the end of the day, common, it is not about who gave how much. It is all about a child's education. And we owe it to them. To ourselves.
Isha Vidhya

I cannot stop dreaming...how wonderful it would be if one person who reads this donated towards at least one child's scholarship. And that person in turn made another person execute...
I just saw this chain reaction. It works. And fast at that.
So, please. Please.

Mother

2010-05-11T08:24:00.002-06:00

I got this as a fwd. Felt so nice that I wanted to share it with everyone. But that FB...wouldn't allow such a long set of characters!!!

Mommy to Mom to Mother
Real Mothers don't eat quiche they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a littlevoice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade....It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother....

The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Mom doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother? She's clueless.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman?!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom thinks about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

Breaking free

2010-05-08T09:14:00.004-06:00

For the last 6 years, I considered a dishwasher as the most inevitable part of my life!
I just could not imagine washing all those dishes, everyday. Plus I also blame little S a bit for that. "A child in the house means more dishes."
Ridiculous. No. RIDICULOUS!

But since last month, I have been living without one & I realize how my mind made me believe that it was THE most important part of my everyday routine.
When I settled up the house, I bought quite a bit of boxes & I had to obviously wash them all at once if I needed to fill up groceries in them. That seemed like a never-ending process. And how much ever the label on the dish liquid yelled, "soft on hands", I found it hard on my hands. Well, I am not used to this...not this much. That made me kneel down in reverence for all the maids that worked in our home as I grew up.
I stopped whining. I geared up with a pair of gloves & started doing the job. With some music in the background, I am actually starting to enjoy this whole process.
I am not sure how much water I am saving by doing the dishes myself. But I am sure I would save at least some. At the end of the day, that is all I need to get some good sleep.
There goes my bondage with the dishwasher. [ROTFL]

More Calgary

2010-05-06T07:49:00.006-06:00

Finally Settled! Kinda.
Settling so soon has everything to do with IKEA. Just a weekend in that one stop shop. God, I love the store. As much as I'd like to get a local store experience, I am so relieved when I see a Costco, IKEA & Walmart. With these stores, I know what to buy where.

This is the view outside our window. What's not to love?

I seem to have forgotten Bay area already. That's funny.
Because, when I left India to settle in Bay Area, I was holding on to India like it was my life. And every instance G showed a slight hint that he had forgotten about it, I'd remind him all about how terrible a husband he was for having brought me away from Amma, my city & my country. If I was G, I'd have sent myself happily back home. Poor G!

I have loving people back home("home" is now a relative term). I still love them. But I don't seem to miss them. Not that much where it would kill me.
I have realized that everyone has their way with life & I am happy where mine is taking me. Part of it has to do with the impossible fact that I am in the city of Calgary. One of the prettiest cities I've seen. Though I love SF, I wouldn't fancy living there. Calgary, well...given a choice I wouldn't live anywhere in the city. But the gas prices are so high that you are forced to live close to work. I definitely like my current residence better than the downtown apartment hands down.
The library system is great here. Though the membership is not free(a meagre sum), they have a whole lot of stuff for kids the age of S. And all their programs are free(S has a library card too- of course, that's free).
As I gather more information on this city(& country), Calgary is still a large town & they have a lot of community awareness.
Every small town in this large town has leisure centers. And these leisure centers live up to their name. They have a wave pool some 1000+ km from the ocean.
And these leisure center is a stone throw away from home. Of course this becomes a far throw when it is snowing outside, which has pretty much been the case since we landed here. :) Driving is not too difficult, so long the low speed limits don't bother you. Side note: We have not yet driven outside the city.

We now drive a Subaru Forrester. With the extra AWD, snow is not a big issue. Even otherwise, what snows at night hardly stays on until morning. The air is so moisture-deprived. You would need a single salary to sustain your moisturizer purchases. :)

But having said all of that, I read Bay area's temperature as 80F(in May) & I am only happy that it is snowing here. What I once guessed came true. I am a cold person. [I can hear myself say, "Ok dear. Wait until winter's near." Well, will wait & see.]

I love this city called Calgary in this country of Canada. I love it as much as I miss sitting in an IE class! Well, there's always hope.

More finds

2010-04-25T07:25:00.003-06:00

Just fixed a new car. Then the move to the new apartment. So, would be a week or two before we start our travels.
In the meanwhile, about Calgary:

1. This city is definitely developing infrastructure-wise. Construction everywhere all the time(maybe they can do it only during Spring-Fall).
2. Calgary seems to be the hub for oil sands, internet & technology.
3. Weather is obviously the best in all of Canada. Never seen no rains here. It is either sunny, cold or it just snows.:)
4. Easy to spot a Canadian. He always ends a conversation with an "eh?".
5. There are pubs everywhere. (a quick reminder: I live in the downtown, eh?)
6. People smoke. More than I am used to.
7. People do not look that they are doing a favour by making a conversation with you.
8. Customer service in banks, offices are way better(than I've known).
9. When it snowed yesterday, we were the only people who were watching it out the window like a natural wonder. People were going about their business as usual, if not faster.
10. Volunteering is big time here.
11. There are a lot more immigrants here than I imagined. Chinese, they are everywhere.
12. Locals call this a big town. Not a city yet. You are never far from anywhere. But the traffic can be crazy. Not many lanes on the freeway(inside the city) contrary to what one would expect from the 2nd largest country in the world.
13. The icing on the cake: Canadians seem to have a work schedule. 9am - 5pm. Good thing in itself! Bad thing: When everyone leaves office at the same time, what do you expect? Yes. A traffic jam!!!
14. Apart from all of this, there is enough space to get lost here.
And right now, I am all ears for getting desperately lost. So, I am absolutely loving it here.

Strings...of emotion

2010-04-23T09:00:00.007-06:00

It is difficult to put in words what I am feeling. More & more truths surface! Another parallel universe seems to exist...or is this that one?

A yearning, to make myself useful. To grasp this entire world.
A burning desire to know what the heck am I? And what am I doing in this world?
There exists more love than is going around. A horrible feeling that poverty is obscene & I am a part of it as much as the people who are in it. It may seem silly, but by not doing anything significant to eradicate it, I am only being a part of it.
And there is no sense of modesty or humility associated. It is blatant truth.
As more truths come up, the more I realize that the truth was always there.

Dissolution of the I, making yourself a part of this world, the possibility of knowing thy self, everything that once seemed distant, illogical, unwanted, looks possible, within reach.
I can never forget my first Inner Engineering class or the subsequent classes I had the privilege of attending. If I had to thank some people for all of this, my thank you's would be endless.

P.S: I am not going insane or being philosophical. I know I am not. For those of you that may think that, please be assured. I am finer than I've ever been.

This is

2010-04-20T21:43:00.009-06:00

around where we live now :)

Where we go for a walk everyday(notice the warning for coyotes...I was a little amused the first time I saw it)

Where S plays almost everyday - on princess island park

I haven't done this city justice through photos. Still settling down. But will post a new entry in the travel blog soon.

Is water emotional?

2010-04-15T12:09:00.007-06:00

I received an email fwd from a friend that read,
"Can water be affected by words?
Dr. Masaru Emoto, a Japanese scientist, believes so.
And he has proof."
"Dr. Emoto took water droplets, exposed them to various words, music, and environments, and froze them for three hours. He then examined the crystal formations under a dark field microscope. And he took photographs.
The results were totally mind-blowing.", reads the email with lots of pictures of water crystals.

I looked up this guy's name on Wiki & I was a little surprised that he is true. :)
I looked up his website.
Now, from what I read, this guy is not a champ or a pro in what he says. His words may seem illogical & ridiculous too. He may not have credibility to prove his own experiments. But that does not necessarily mean that it is not the truth.
What if water does respond to emotions?
As the email read, we have 70% water inside. That makes a huge difference if what he says is truth. This is one more instance of our age old moral-science classes that the kind of words we use affects us as much as it affects the person it is aimed at, if not more.
May not be a fact, but it is the truth.

Hinduism is not an 'ism'

2010-04-14T05:19:00.009-06:00

I was a happy Brahmin as a child. Rather, happy to be a Brahmin child. It has got nothing to do with my caste. But it has everything to do with my parents. My parents were really unconventional, broad-minded, service-oriented(with limitations, of course), never-say-go to a temple(never-not-say-go to a temple either). We'd travelled a lot as a family. We have visited most important temples in India. But never once did my father or mother insist that I should pray or do any of the things they believed in(or not believed in). So, I assumed if this is how a Brahmin is, I am happy to be one. At that age, I believed you are never born as a Brahmin. You become one by your actions. Anyone can become a Brahmin. It is a way of life.

But with all the things that started cropping up as a part of this religion or caste, somewhere I started experimenting with everything I came across. I had to try it to make sure it worked for me. With time, I started to lose interest in rituals & religion itself. All of it does not make sense to me anymore.
C'mon, what is the point of going to a temple with 5000 others just to see a glimpse of a statue?(when your religion says God is everywhere)
What is the point in circum-ambulating a mountain for 14km with 10,000 others when you hear them talk about nothing but crap. I could not find sanctity in that.
It did not make sense to follow some rituals & not be able to explain its significance.
This is when I felt that religion should not come by heredity. A person should have the choice to choose a religion(as a "way of life") he wants. At least this way it is his path. At this point, I am a liberal or a rebel, I don't know. And it doesn't matter which one of the two I am.

When I heard Sadhguru say that Hinduism is a culture but not a religion, somewhere something seemed to make sense. Something inside me felt so relieved. What if it was true? What if we are making a mess out of religion(s)? I understand that rituals hold certain significance, but I am not there yet experientially. So, I am not scared to say, "I do not know".

Hinduism as a religion is very liberal. We all know that. We can do everything we want & still be a good Hindu. We can do nothing & still be a good Hindu.
Hinduism as a culture is even better. It seems a higher possibility.
It works for me!

Calgary - my first impression

2010-04-08T12:10:00.006-06:00

It truly amazes me to know how much accepting I can be when I just don't resist. When I just let things be.
This country, Canada & its people are soooooo friendly that words fall short. People at the Federal office really don't need to please people. They don't have the need to bring in customers. Today, I had been to their office to apply for SIN card & I had no palpitations when I met the officers - which is straight opposite to my every single experience in the US.

My last name is pronounced close to what it should be & I don't feel familiar or alienated. Fewer people in a city than I'd ever see in my entire life(I'd been to Alaska in Summer- so that doesn't count).
The Bow river borders the downtown & for a change the downtown feels relatively safe. The buildings are not as unique as San Francisco, but they are not grey & blue like in Vancouver. I am not ready for Toronto, yet. And so! There is nowhere else I'd rather be now, than here.
I'd never stepped out when the weather read 4C(would never ever dream of taking my daughter out at that temp). But I did it. Today. It wasn't so bad, actually. And she loved being out. So, there's to new beginnings.

I am as ready as I can ever be to face my life with an open heart. And it feels so gratifying to say that.
A friend often says that we are not bubbly & happy all days. So, today is my bubbly day & I am enjoying it. Tomorrow, if I am not, it is still okay.
And believe me, I am still surprised at the new me. :-)

The move

2010-04-05T12:37:00.003-06:00

Revelations about the move.
1. We were not as ready as we thought we were...for the move.
2. But after the initial jitters, I think we know this is what we want.
3. I am truly happy. I'd rather be here & complain about not being in Bay area than otherwise.
4. Isha has become a bigger part of me than I knew it to be.
5. I need a few more moves to feel more detached, but I am getting there.
6. Money is needed, but is pushed to the very last rung in my ladder.
7. There is divinity in everything around me. I have just turned a blind eye so far.
8. Help comes from unexpected corners, & such help is never forgotten.
9. People are extremely friendly here. Maybe it has got to do with the weather.
10. Me & my family are so darn lucky & I am soooo grateful for that.

To G!

2010-03-04T22:24:00.005-07:00

For a while now, G has been telling me that my blog has become an Isha blog. Isha has affected us as a family in such a deep way that I cannot help notice the changes.

But as I went for my usual walk with S today, I just realized how much we had grown together as people. Being the cashewnut that I am, it helps having a level-headed person such as G around with me all the time. G is never biased. He never cares what I think of what he says. He just says what he feels is right. And I should say that he has made me rethink many decisions.
It is not our anniversary, nor G's birthday. But I felt so strongly about him today. The past couple of days, he has been so patient with me, just being there. He probably would not have understood anything, but he was there, supporting me. It meant a lot, then & now. Over the span of our six years together, he has come to be one of my trust-worthy friends. Even if I know he would not agree to what I did, I have the need to share with him. I feel him as a part of me.
I would not trade what I have now for anything else in this world. G & S are my wealth.
Thank you G. I am so glad I share my life with you. At least our horoscopes were not horrorscopes.
ps: I am sure G will blush after reading this & come home to ask me all the details that made me write this about him. Sorry G, this is all I have to say! :-)

Sajda

2010-02-27T22:18:00.012-07:00

Last week, I had a ladies night out. Probably the first in my life. We went to watch "My Name is Khan".
I laughed & cried
And sang & smiled.

For all those out there, I hate SRK. "Some" may call that prejudice :-). But it is a fact.
There is nothing unique in that guy. At least from where I stand.

I was truly open to the idea of watching this movie with the girls, though. Wonderful company where I could truly be myself.

Anyways, the movie started OK. But at one point, where Ammi teaches the little autistic boy about good people & bad people, I cried!
And that was not the only moment I cried.
For every time when Rizvan bombards Mandira with "Marry me", I laughed!
And that was not the only moment I laughed.
For the songs, "Sajda" & "Tere Naina" I sang my heart out.
And those were not the only moments I sang.
And the scene when Khan(from the epiglottis) asks the President for his phone#, I smiled. And that was definitely not the only moment I smiled.

And I find myself at sufficient deficiency to express all those San Francisco moments. I just love the city!

I will not testify that this is a good or a great movie. I love this movie because it touched me like no other & will stay with me for a long time. Part of it has to do with whom I watched it. :-)
I cannot look at the "Sajda" song any other way than the 'intense' way I'd been exposed to it last week(thanks, you-know-who). Now I listen to this song whenever I want to feel rejuvenated.
Thanks to a friend who was kind enough to send me the entire lyrics & the meaning for the lyrics. Call me crazy, will you?

I am Grateful

2010-02-27T22:13:00.005-07:00

because, my mother got initiated to Shambhavi a week ago.
because, she is feeling ecstatic so,
because, I can already see the transformation lo,
because, I am able to connect to her in a totally different way, so.
Because I am so grateful, I bow!

Mahashivarathri

2010-02-13T23:13:00.004-07:00

I was so tired that I was not sure if I would be up until midnight. I had to be somewhere next morn at 7am & I was sure I did not want to wake up the whole night & crash at 6am.
When I turned on the webstream from Isha, I was in for surprise. The whole program kept me up, awake & energized & I found myself swaying & dancing & embracing the night to the best I could. I should've known it earlier. It was Isha, after all. What else did I expect?
Meditating at midnight with Sadhguru was something I never thought of at last year's Shivarathri.
The dogmatic ideas of my logical mind seem to get weaker. Maybe I should toss them out myself :-)
Instead of going into the details I can sum it up, "This is one day, er night that was something like never before".
Thank you Isha for the oppurtunity. Turned out, a lot of us were dancing to Sivamani's & Vikku Vinayakam's tunes. Absolutely fantastic!

Volunteering with Isha

2010-02-08T13:04:00.006-07:00

Why do I volunteer there? With Isha?
I HAVE NO CLUE.
But every time I hear of an IE program in the area, I just have to be there. The one that happened 2 weeks ago was life-changing. Yes. It was like attending the program all over again. The depth of each word said sank deeper. I am going somewhere. I know not of my destination, but I have begun this journey. A journey of self-discovery.
When it is such a journey, who cares about the destination anyways.

I have let go of(so many of) my mental blocks. I still own quite a bit, but it is probably a matter of time before I can let them go too. I am doing things way over my capacity. Me & G are juggling between things in such an easy manner(& with so much happiness & acceptance), that I find it hard to believe it is me. I am a planning/control freak that I cannot do anything without planning a few dozen times over & over again. The very fact that I am not alarmed by most things(not everything, yet) that happen without my planning blows the hell out of me.
The human beings that initially did not want to do their IE because they could not spend 30 min in a day for themselves are now doing ~2 hrs every day. It is amazing how much we can underestimate our potential!
As parents, we look forward to each morning where we can figure how to do our practices & manage the active little angel. Wow, Life is so much possible!
Every day is a new beginning. Each moment a new adventure & we welcome it with open hearts. Change is happening every day in every possible way. Instead of scorning at it, how beautiful it is to embrace it & merge with the flow?
I possessed anger for over a decade now. I could get upset or provoked at the most simple things. Now, I am able to laugh over it. "How more stupid could I have got?"
Life has become that much more effortless. Carrying myself around has become that much easier & lighter. And I did not know I carried such a heavy baggage all along.

Thanks to Isha & my Guru who refuses to be called so. If she reads this, she will know it is her. I am at a total loss of words to express my gratitude or devotion(or whatever else it is) to her. If Love is what I have for her, then I am probably belittling the emotion. It is way bigger than the heaviest emotion I can even mention.
It is so overwhelming & humiliating all at the same time.
I am not judging it;evaluating it; figuring what it is. For now I can say that I am able to experience it as it is. And it is so darn beautiful!
There is only life, life & more life.

Avatar

2010-01-20T21:00:00.004-07:00

I am not a big fan of SCIFI. So my initial view on this movie was totally on the negative side. I refused to watch the trailer but made a judgement based on my short-sighted perception. How wrong? Oh, so wrong I was.
But when I started getting good reviews from friends, I started reading about it. Looked up that somewhere the movie talks about everything being one energy & how the Navi people live in tune with their world. That one thing made me say "OK" to G who was actually hoping I would turn over to his side.
Thanks again to my mother who stayed back home to watch over the sleeping bundle while we hit AMC. The crowds were all oohing & aahing. At 8pm we were in the middle of the long queue(show timing: 8.45pm) that started to take shape.
I haven't visited a theatre in almost 2 years. So seriously, I did not know if I would be able to keep myself awake & in one place for 150+ minutes.
Then the movie started. I am not sure if the 3D(or even the IMAX) made a big difference. But it certainly felt good to watch a movie on the big screen. And this movie, made me sit in one place for all that time, without making me bore/sore even for a minute. A fantastic movie & I am glad I budged myself to watch it on the big screen. The Navis that seemed "yucky" from the 1 scene of trailer I saw now look cute & sweet to me. Oh, my monkey mind. A lesson well learnt.
I learnt so much from the movie.
And these English movies that solely run on the story/director is truly amazing. Either these directors make anyone act well or there are wonderful & talented actors all over Hollywood, I don't know. But somehow most movies end up with the right combination of both. Avatar is a must see, people. Truly a fantastic movie.

Into Thin Air

2010-01-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

I came across this movie somehow. The movie is pathetically made. The Everest 1996 expedition is apparently very famous for being the worst season ever. The movie failed to show important details behind each person. In the movie, the disaster seemed avoidable in simple ways. They made it look that each person was incompetent in whatever they were doing. A classic recipe for no one doing their job.
But once I heard that it was from a book, I reserved myself a copy. The book is by far better than the movie. Rather, it depicts the day's events & the history behind everything. These guides, Fischer & Hall were extremely unique people in their own way.
Everything seemed to have gone wrong on May 10th 1996. So many people lost their lives.
I love mountains, nature & generally adventure. But after reading this book, I had this feeling, "Maybe Everest is not meant to be climbed". Some questions too...Why do people do this? Why to leave behind their family for 2 months only to feel extremely happy to get back to them? Why suffer all that nerve racking weather & climb a mountain? After all, at that altitude, your body cannot digest anything. So, when you are on top of the world, you are hungry, tired, bitterly cold & extremely scared about getting back down alive in one piece. So many people have lost their limbs, other parts of the body to frost bite, have fallen awfully sick & most of them seem to have strained relationships back home.
But then, if they knew all this but still wanted to climb Everest, it is something like Do or Die for them. But this book made me realize that every person on this mountain wants to turn back alive. They fight the forces of Nature with so much fear & some eventually succumb to its fury.
Jon Krakauer has written this book more like a catharsis, as he wanted to get it out of his system. He was affected mentally, physically & emotionally(he probably still is-that's Everest) at seeing his friends lose their lives & unable to do anything.
This book has been criticized by many. Nevertheless, it was a page-turner for me. One of those books without finishing which I could not get to anything else with a committed mind.
Culture-wise, Buddhism is so close to Hinduism & the books details on Sherpas prove this. And any day, I would bow down to these hauling Sherpas. As Rob Hall said, "Climbing this mountain would be impossible but for them".
Maybe I should take a hike to this base camp(I just read that it takes 9-10 days). I met a man who did & he mentioned that he was breathless at the base camp itself(17600 ft on the Nepalese side; The base camp on the Tibetan side is 500 ft lower, but being in China, they have a road that gets you there)
It should be something just being there. But I am sure(today) that I will go no further than that :-)

The kind of information

2009-12-30T12:04:00.000-07:00

that I get these days is simply mind-boggling. I am coming across so many people who are, what do I say,...mmm...different. Way different than what you would expect a normal person to be. On one side I see compassionate people, people with so much compassion that they would leave all they are doing to answer your one genuine question; people who have left a career in s/w(in the US) to settle down with a farm in India; many many more.
All these people are so motivating. What's better than being the way to show it?
And all of this, I did not know about for so long. I am coming around to believe that if you start looking for something earnestly, that something you will get(maybe something even more).
Sometimes, I feel myself wondering. Aren't we all(Indians, Americans, Pakistanis, Talibans) living in the same world? The different continents that was one huge continent millions of years ago? Whom are we fighting at? Whomever we fight with, whatever we fight with, aren't we all the victims? Isn't the big picture obvious?

The modern conveniences of man has also brought division. But logically speaking, if we have a more than what we need, aren't we taking it from someone else? Even if we do not stop taking, isn't it responsible to at least give something back to the community? And IF religion is stopping us from thinking everyone as one among us, do we need to feed it?
I really don't know if I am making sense anymore. But somewhere, something makes me think...think some other way. There is more to this life than we seem to know. And shouldn't knowing the unknown be more sensible to look for?

Recently, I watched this TED video where Sunitha Krishnan talks about how she rescued 4 and 5 year old girls who had been sexually abused, I found myself in tears, in pain. And her plead to us is not for money or charity. All she asks for is acceptance...what did they do? They were just a victim. And all these people, the abusers are very much around us. And we don't know them. We don't want to know them. We are just turning a blind eye. A very convenient but dangerous attitude.
Are we probably waiting for this to happen to someone we know before we would do something? Isn't that dangerous?
I could not help but be grateful to my parents...their over-protective security was probably with the best intentions.

My trip to grace...Mahima

2009-12-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

Just two months after my association with Isha, I found myself sitting on a plane to TN to take an advance course. It was like I had no other option. I just had to do it.

I still had to do my Shambavi at noon when I reached IIIS before lunch. So, I took the oppurtunity to meditate in Mahima. I had just seen it from the outside when I just checked myself in. So, after shower, I found myself entering the doors of Mahima.
SILENCE!!!
There, looking at me was the most powerful picture of Sadhguru. It brought me a chill.
When I could finally take my eyes off that picture, I looked up to the ceiling of the dome. I knew immediately. This place is something!

I did my Shambavi. When I had to mouth words as part of my meditation, I found the whole of Mahima say it with me in reverberation. Thinking of it gives me goosebumps even now. If Mahima does not move you in any other way, at least the size will! It is HUGE!!!

I found some time to hike around the paved grounds. As if I needed more solitude, I found myself walking to the main gate. This place is in the middle of nowhere. Seriously! The nearest road(the highway) is a good 30 min walk away. I cannot even dream of a better place to spend with myself. The place is mesmerized with silence. If I was reading a book or just contemplating with myself, no one would disturb me(and that is even after I made a lot of friends).

The program started off at 9pm. The course is Shoonya Meditation. Shakti Chalana Kriya & Surya Namaskar was also a part of this 3 day intensive program.

The next three days were a mixture of interesting, tiring, welcoming breaks, awesome raw food & lots of Sadhana. The whole process started growing into me. Waking up at 4.30am to attend the Guru pooja at 5.30am was something I started doing with utmost ease. Life made so much sense just being there.

Leaving IIIS was a mixed feeling. It so much felt like home by then. While I still wanted to stay there for a while, the mother in me wanted to see the daughter on the West coast. I had to go.
At the ATL airport, I could notice something very different. It was like the whole world was in one pace & I was just watching it all. I couldn't gel with things around me. I washed my eyes to look if my eyes were doing the trick. It took me a while to realize that I had slowed down so much.
My whole experience was very close to Neo's feeling in Matrix in different levels.

I have a long way to go before I perfect what I have learnt so far, so may be no more programs. But this is the beginning of a long term lease I seemed to have signed with Isha.
My recent practices with Shoonya are so different from my experiences after IE. It is difficult to explain but maybe I can try after my 40 days.
Yesterday I was in the middle of a slight fever & a major sore throat/running nose. While every aching muscle would support my decision to not do my practices, I did it anyway. In aches & pains for sure. But after my practices, I only felt better. In so many ways. So, Yoga seems to really work.

Having visited IIIS, visiting the Yoga center in Coimbatore seems a distant, but definite possibility.

The way we think

2009-11-17T10:53:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, we had to meet up with a couple of old-time friends who were on a visit from Chennai. We decided to meet up for brunch at a friend's place. And I volunteered to cook, ...er..., prepare most of the food. No guesses. I picked up some raw food recipes from our very own traditional "Taste of Isha". I warned all of them that the food was going to be raw & natural. Healthy for sure. Tasty...depending on what their tastes were like. G warned me as the people for whom I was cooking were pretty conservative in their ways of eating, except one.
I could say with guarantee that not all of them liked the food they ate, though it tasted fine for my family(including my daughter who just loves the beetroot salad). It did not bother me much because I did not have any expectation. But I had zero guilt since what I made was 100% healthy.
Later, a friend was talking about eating chocolates & he went, "I can eat all this food(& chocs) only for 5 more years. After that, I will get something; say BP or Sugar or Cholesterol". I knew he wouldn't buy it, but still chipped in.
"If you probably included this kind of food, maybe you won't get all those".

Even before I became associated with Isha I should say G was making effort to eat consciously(& he would tell me too). Probably that was a reason, me & G could accept Isha's food almost immediately.

This incident made me think. Obviously people know that raw food is healthier. But they were not ready to accept it because they did not like the taste. Or maybe they just got so used to what they ate for so long.
They'd rather eat, what they ate so long, for the rest of their lives & take a handful of pills, rather than probably change a little & live healthy(most likely).
Most of them probably had 30 yrs or more to live(if all went well), but they'd rather not take their life in their hands.

Now, this was the first time they saw such food, so I should probably not expect too much from them. After all, rejecting to anything alien is human tendency.

This incident will in no way stop me from introducing healthy food to everyone I meet but if I start thinking deeply about our tendencies, I should say it is pretty alarming.

Of course, another friend came home later in the day & she simply loved all the salads.
So, in all, the day went well.

I plead guilty

2009-11-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

Long long ago, so long ago, I saw a movie called Speed(maybe when I was in India). I liked the lead actors in the movie, no doubt. Though I was following Neo closely, I came across Miss Congeniality so much later, say a couple years ago. The person that I am has never believed in being a fan or the likes(except when I was at school-crazy age, you see).
I love Julia Roberts as an actor. I can watch any movie of hers. But Bullock, maan. She is awesome. Her comedy timing is simply impeccable. I found myself laughing like crazy yesterday when I brought a copy of Miss Congeniality 2. I know the movie did not do very well. Who cares? I've never. Last week, I found myself laughing forgetting even who was sitting next to me. That was while watching "The Proposal". Initially, I wanted to watch the movie when I read that part of the movie was shot in Alaska. But the movie is totally hilarious. Sandra Bullock fits the role to the '.'
In fact most actors do.
I might find myself crazy for having written this in a couple of years. I still do not believe in the theory of being a "fan", but if that's what you call it, so be it.

Thanks to G for having introduced me to English movies. I always thought watching English movies in India was geeky. And yeah, I thought he was geeky too. And now, me?
Actually, now some people consider me as "geeky"(for want of another word). Seriously, I haven't watched an Indian movie since Jodha Akbar(you know how it works- only the good ones) & haven't watched a Tamil movie since Ghajini. But I do borrow old Tamil movies from the library. So that doesn't count.

But seriously, I don't know if it is the age factor or my tolerance. Even when i was in India, I just could not sit in front of the TV(mostly due to lack of time, on other times due to lack of good stuff to watch) & ended up watching reruns of "The crocodile hunter".
I am not up-to-date with the English movies here, but try to watch good ones whenever we can. I would call the movies I watch as pure entertainment. Unfortunately, I wouldn't say so about most of the Indian movies being made.

Falling down & feeling happy

2009-11-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

My dream come true. I've wanted to skate ever since I was 15. I should've tended to it long ago. Nevertheless, me & G signed up for adult skating classes & thoroughly enjoyed the process.

I wasn't even sure if I would be able to get up with the skates on. The instructors were pretty neat & there was someone to check on me every now & then. Otherwise, it was the usual exercise around the wall. I fell hard a couple of times(though I was taught how to fall gracefully, never seemed to use it when time came). It actually did not hurt as much as I thought. I had so many people ask me if I was doing ok(which made me think, "Doesn't everyone fall in the beginning?"). I fell. And I didn't care about it. I was skating. Fumbling, yes. But still skating. It meant everything. A childhood dream come true. We plan to continue the classes for a couple more weeks until I can actually skate. It might be too early to try the ice rinks in SF or San Jose for this winter, but we are a step closer to that than we were earlier.

Here is where we are taking classes.

2009-11-02T11:05:00.000-07:00

Just read this in the news. So painful!

Can a mother do such a thing? Beats me!

My sympathies with the boy who survived.

Magnetic North

2009-10-29T16:38:00.000-06:00

I'd read this book a while ago but not sure if I wrote about it.

As always, we were travelling(I don't remember where-maybe Alaska) & I picked up this book attracted by the name. I had no idea it was non fiction.

So, I just started reading the book hoping to just browse & just drop it back(I had so much planning to do for my actual trip).

Turned out that for 2-3 days all I ever did was read the book. Thankfully, I had leftovers & did not bother eating much anyway. When I was not reading, I loyally left the book beside me. Next to me while I ate, slept. You won't believe...I even took it to the restroom with me(I have this tradition only with J K Rowling's Harry Potter series!!!).

This book narrates a young man's adventure & quest for the wild that Canada was. When he was at college, all he wanted to do was travel across the mighty country that we call Canada all by foot, canoe & dogsled. So, when he dropped out of school, he started his mission with 5 others who dropped out in just a couple hundred miles of the journey. In the journey of a couple thousand miles over 2 years, he got 2 friends, one a photographer & hiker who saved his life once & a dog that almost died waiting for his almost dead self to come back for him.

It is a page turner & definitely a life changer at least at some level. It also depicts how wild & fierce nature is. Humans should feel humiliated!

2009-10-27T01:10:00.000-06:00

Has there been any moment when it has snowed every moment? It could be somewhere, anywhere in this world.

If yes, would that mean that it snows every moment on some part of earth?

Wonder why I thought of this while folding my laundry, huh??

Isha Yoga

2009-10-26T13:36:00.000-06:00

Though I knew it, one of our family brought it to light that it has been a long time I posted here.

I'd love to say that the last few weeks were pretty hectic & I just couldn't find time to write something here. Not so! The last few weeks have been totally different. I've had the time to do so many things that were in my "to do" list for a long time. Thanks to better management of time & sleep. The secret: a seven day yoga program.

A very close friend forced me to join this course. I was hesitant & skeptical. I was not sure I was up for the 30 min twice a day commitment(40 days). I have a toddler & I really toggle between her & other work at home already. Plus what big change would come?

But somehow, I registered for this class. Since I read somewhere that they give discount for married couples, I brought G in too(though the main reason would be to make sure I get through the 40 days).

From the day I registered till the 1st day at class, this was the place I was most of the time. I checked out all their videos on Youtube. This person, Jaggi Vasudev, has his headquarters in Coimbatore. He speaks impeccable English, is seen in a very pretty outfit, wears Jeans & sunglasses & he calls himself a mystic(well! people call him that too).

No need to mention that I was extremely intrigued by what I saw & was totally excited the first day of class.

Btw, the program is Inner Engineering. And it happened in Bay area, not too far from home.

So, on September 9th I enter India Community Center. The place is buzzing. People dropping off kids for classes, some parents picking up kids from daycare, an indoor Dosa place catering to people's appetite & so many other things.

I look up Isha Yoga signs & get into this hall. I was aghast. The place was in total SILENCE. Extremely organized! Even the shoes were in order. The Volunteers looked to me like they were from outer space. They did not talk. They only whispered. Registration, payment, forms filling...everything was in silence. You ask them a question, they lovingly whisper the answer. For a person who talks a lot, I was totally put to shame.

I enter the hall & a lovely meditation music was going on. It made me rock(in peace) for the little while I was there. So, when I opened my eyes, the teacher was in front of the mic. She was neither Indian nor American. I should say I was getting excited. What is this? Actually, what IS this?

What went on for the next seven days is history. My history! As I do not plan on living like that anymore. At the end of seven days, I left the place as a confused living being. The question, "Who am I?" was touched in the class but they did not give an answer. Sadhguru said he could say something, but it is a fairy tale until I experience it for myself. Hmm. Makes total sense to me.

I should say seven days flew by. In fact something in me wished it was a 10 day program. Meaning to say, I cannot thank my friend enough for making me attend this course. And ever thanks to my mother who took care of our toddler while we were at the class.

The day after class was the first of our 40 days. We had to do the Shambhavi Maha Mudra twice a day for 40 days. The process takes roughly 30 minutes including the preparatory asanas.

I wanted a discipline & I got it. So, I did not think much would come from it. But I did it. The first 2-3 weeks nothing much happened, except that I was able to sit it one place for 30-35 minutes without my leg getting numb & my spine erect. For a person with back pain, that is something. And my sleep quote reduced dramatically. Say 5 hrs of sleep & I would not complain. In fact I would wake up with full of life. G noticed this as well.

But by the 3rd week, I began to notice something. I had not gotten angry in a long time. I was able to handle my daughter with so much love. The 'thing' in me that would get irritated when she would refuse to sleep "when I want" was not there anymore. And my daughter seemed to understand "that" something was missing & she did sleep on time.

I was able to handle things much more efficiently & I was active throughout the day. Never once did I feel drowsy or sleepy.

I am able to live life with my daughter every moment. I am able to notice every plane that flies above my home. I am not merely existing anymore. I feel alive.

It is almost 40 days now, but I plan to continue doing Shambhavi twice a day. I don't know what it does, but I am sure a day will not be the same without it.

I have enrolled in an advance program next month which is going to take 45 minutes(twice a day) for 40 days. That's a lot, time-wise. But I am sure I want to.

My sleep quota has reduced, but when I sleep, I have a very deep sleep. I no longer turn this side or that. I am full of positive energy & have started believing in Karma. My back pain has reduced drastically(read I cancelled my appointment with my doc), though it is not gone yet. But hey, it is a lot for just 40 days of practice. Some friends mentioned that they have quit eating meat.

And did I mention I lost 6 lbs in these 40 days? I am heading back to my pre-pregnancy weight & I feel so much lighter already.

I had my share of being a 'believer' , 'atheist' , 'neither of the two' , ...somewhat uncomfortable labeling myself. Now, I feel very safe labeling myself as a "seeker". I do not know so many things. I am not ready to believe anything on its face value, just because someone tells me but I am ready to search. I even know where to search. How cool is that?

In the last 40 days, I even had a chance to volunteer for a similar program & was astounded to see how these people prepare food. Of course, they prepare uncooked delicious food, but they "chant" while they cook. Since when did cooking food become so wonderful? I felt so gifted to even eat that food.

I am not sure if I am a part of a cult. I have not met Sadhguru in person. I am not sure whatever I am feeling now is THE truth, but I am not worried about it anymore. I will see where I land from here.

Sadhguru says that a Guru finds his disciple. I don't even know if he is my Guru, but if you are a seeker like me, please attend the free 1 hr session. You don't even have the obligation to join the class. It is life-changing!

If not anything, please do consider donating your time or money to this organization. Looks like they really would put it to good use with their rural rejuvenation projects.

Some books from Amazon.

Some videos from Youtube.

General Random Rant

2009-06-05T15:31:00.001-06:00

Seriously, why don't some people allow some other people to live peacefully??????
grrrr...

Encounter with an Old Indian Man

2009-05-28T18:22:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I was on my usual walk with the little one. Everything was as usual. Little one was being curious george, I was trying to manage her, said hi to a couple people on the road, smiled at some, crossed El Camino. Everything was as usual until now.
So, I met an old man, er, an old Indian man. Like at others, I smiled at him as he was passing by me. He returned my smile. I was to continue my way when:

Old Indian Man(OIM): Where are you from?
Me to him(MTH): Chennai.
Me to myself(MTM): uh-oh!

OIM: Oh. Chennai a? Tamizha? Where in Chennai?
MTH: I gave him the location.

OIM: Anga enga?
MTH: Gave him the exact location.

OIM: Naanga Chennai thaan. Ana settled in Bombay for 22 years.
MTH: o ho.
MTM: na ketena?

OIM: Kalyanam acha?
MTH: yes
MTM: pakathu veetu kozhanthaya stroller le thallindu varen

OIM: Evlo varsham? 2-3 years?
MTH: 5 years.

OIM: Oh. 5 yrs acha? Chinna kozhanthaya iruke, 2-3 yrs irukumonu keten.
MTH: :-)

OIM: Ponna payyana?
MTH: Ponnu

OIM: enna vayasu?
MTH: one

OIM: Adikadi India poviya?
MTH: ippo thaan poitu vanthen. Ayushomamku.

OIM: Enna Brahmin a?
MTH: mmm

OIM: Ayushomamnu solracheye kandupudichen.
MTM: romba mukkiam

OIM: Ellarum pant potukareengala, athunala theriyala.
MTH: :-)

OIM: unga veetlernthu varuvala adikadi?
MTH: yes.
MTM: Next time ava varathe vanthu pakarela?

OIM: Inga enga veedu?
MTH: Inga thaan. Pakathle.
MTM: address kudukatuma?

OIM: Husband enga work panrar?
MTH: sonen
MTM: therinju enna salary jasti vangi kuduka porela?

OIM: Nee work panriya?
MTH: Illa. Home maker thaan.

OIM: Oh. ho. Amam. kozhanthaya pathukanum le. Husband late a varuvaro?
MTH: Illa, vara samayam thaan.

OIM: Na inga thaan iruken. Usual a my sons will take me for a walk. Iniku naane kalambiten. Walk varathu nallathu thaane.

OIM: un per enna?
MTH: gave my name

OIM: Enaku 6 sisters. The last one's name is the same as yours.
MTH: :-)
MTM: ithu eppo mudiyumo

MTH: Sari, I think I will carry on. Time achu.
OIM: ok ma.
handshake

...Thirumbi pakama odi poiten...

All this in a span of less than 5 minutes. Way big a questionnaire.
I hope he got all the answers he wanted. He should've had a peaceful walk back home.

Next time, I will think 5 times before saying hi or smiling at an Old Indian Man.

Nostalgia???....NO NOSTALGIA!!!

2009-04-09T20:27:00.000-06:00

I am currently in the home country for a supposed vacation. But here, home country no more feels like home & no need to mention there is no vacation.
On the bright side, my daughter turned ONE here, with all friends & relatives closeby.

Things have changed here in Chennai. Less than a million people mentioned that to me which I refused to believe. Even worse, I was imagining the Chennai when I was a kid. I remember those days when I used to visit the temple next door with my neighbor everyday, especially on Exam days!
When I went to work, I worked on the afternoon shift. So, I don't much remember the crowd or heat as I was in Tidel Park most of the times. On other times, I would go to my destination & be back home on my loyal Scooty.
Now, it is a different story. I don't have my loyal friend around. So, I rely on the currently famous "call-taxi". It does the job. It has not created a hole in my wallet, but I can feel the heat. But it is inevitable. I have a one year old that has not yet had her 1 yr shot. I have no intentions of pushing her into a vulnerable situation. So, my recent friend, "an AC call taxi...in fact, anything AC". Well, she is not in the AC all the time, so, she does manage to get some fresh air in my quiet home in the heart of the city[:)].
Anyways, the reason I wanted to jab a few here was to mention the evolutionary changes the city & people have undergone. Something big has happened in the last 3 yrs. I don't know. More people seemed to have jumped from Mars or some other Galaxy. They are not from here. They look different. They have funny hairstyles, not to mention hair color. All of them carry cell phones that ring crazy tunes. Some from our planet have that too. They all appear to have a lot of money. They spend money on "ripping songs from a CD to their cell phones"(there is a shop to get that done, ugh). Some people simply refuse to talk in their mother tongue. I ask them something in Tamil. They reply strictly in English.

Coming to the place as such, Singara Chennai is now a city of fly-overs. Bah...how many of them!!!
But some of them(not all) have actually aided in the flow of traffic. Some have obviously crippled the already existing space.
But what needs to be done needs to be done. And things are happening. But, i just realized something. Whatever infrastructure is given, you can take it with what you know.
Some of the roads are definitely getting better.
I see many more flyovers on the coming.
A bank with 4 people take care of more than 200 people a day.
There are so many people everywhere. No privacy or no "my space" concept. Well, you might say I expect privacy as a right from being in the US. But no. I don't remember Chennai being so crowded when I was little. So much has changed in the last 10 years. The numbers have increased: the people, the cars on the road, the two-wheelers, the pollution, the noise, the crowd at temples.
But I am surprised at the cool breeze that hits me in the evenings. It is so welcome. I admire the temple gopuram. But the telephone & cable wires that obstruct its true glory, not so much.

Cell phone is the most affordable "friend" today. Chennai is marching rapidly toward the West.
Ladies are definitely dressing more unconventionally, but men are still perverts. What pleasure they get out of eve-teasing or singing a song at a lady....beats me sure!

I wanted to write a short post. But have blabbered quite a bit.
In short, I did not expect to find the place I am in today, but I would still label it "liveable".
People are still friendly & helping.
There are many instances that have touched me or have made me think.
I am doing things that I would not have done otherwise.
I am empathizing more. I feel poverty more & strongly feel I need to do something about it at least in my own sphere.

I can never forget the four kids that were behind me & my family at Vaitheeswaran Koil when we were there to get S's head shaved. I got them food, alright. But, they would have to depend on someone else for the next day or the days to follow, UNTIL someone does something.
It got me & my hubby thinking. We had just tended to their basic need for one meal. How do we end poverty? Education & civilization was the only answer we came up with!
*heavy heart*

India needs more people with a mission

2009-03-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

"However being here, it is ever-so-clear that India is desperate for more people with a mission in mind. The country sorely needs to restructure its education system. The environmental situation here is dire- in our opinion, un-recoverable. The health care system is awful, child labor is still permitted, millions of people are homeless or live in tent cities. Clean water only comes in bottles which are far too costly for the locals to purchase. AIDS, leprosy, and Tuberculosis are as common as a cold. Yes, India certainly needs more people with a mission."

taken from here.

If these people want a better India, shouldn't we?

I had a walk, a good walk I had

2009-03-05T16:01:00.000-07:00

I had a 11.45 appointment. After that, I fed little S her veggies. She had her yogurt & we went for a walk. The weather was gloomy. But I seldom expected her to go to sleep. But then, what is in your hand? So, not having the heart to wake her & hoping it would be a short nap, I started to walk. The weather seemed pleasant to me. Why waste it? I should've covered a mile or so when I saw a big board that read "Sidewalk closed". But there was space & I squeezed in. But a couple yards later, I see the same sign. But no space to squeeze through. I was going for a walk. Where I walk hardly mattered. So, I made a U turn & started walking in another direction. I heard someone whistle or someone holler. I looked back & an elderly worker signalled me to come right ahead. So, I turned back. He took out every cone that was blocking the way so that my stroller could pass right through.
I did thank every guy out there for letting me through. But they didn't have to. They were in the middle of something.
This elderly worker got a "Oh! how sweet of you" from me. He retorted back, "Oh. Thank you. It's a wonderful day now"
That kind of kindness is something you don't come across everyday. If you do, you are blessed.
Let's pass som kindness along, shall we?

Life after

2009-03-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

Hubby lost his thatha recently. Hubby had high regards for him since childhood. He still remembers the walk-to-the-beach they had when he was in kindergarten.
I was not fortunate enough to know him well.
But when I was putting the little one to sleep last night, I was wondering where has thatha gone?
In other words, what happens after our life here?
Just thinking, you know....
So happens. Hubby comes home. And he shares similar thoughts.

And it also means to me...our life comes to and end "without notice". Thatha slept last night. Did not wake up.
I mean, there are so many people close to us. How many people are we ready to give up?
Well, me not ready to lose some people at all. But then, who am I to decide?

Life is just that.

2009-01-07T20:56:00.001-07:00

On news
And I worried about not going to India in the last 2 yrs... pfff.

A couple of Kurukshetras

2008-12-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

Mumbai Blasts! Greece riots! Astronaut let tools into workspace! Forever china-Tibet war! More blasts! Yet another bomb scare!...
Where is Lord Krishna? He promised!!!

Live each moment

2008-11-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

I may never see tomorrow, there is no written guarantee.
And things that happened yesterday, belong to history
I cannot predict the future, I cannot change the past
I have just the present moment, I must treat it as my last

I must use this moment wisely, for it will soon pass away
And be lost to me forever, as part of yesterday
I must exercise compassion, help the fallen to their feet.
Be a friend unto the friendless, make an empty life complete

The unkind things I do today, may never be undone
And friendships that I fail to win, may never more be won
I may not have another chance on bended knee to pray
And thank God with humble heart, for giving me this day

~ Author Unknown

Just in case I want to come back & read one more time :-)

An Inconvenient Truth

2008-09-18T15:50:00.000-06:00

The paper cover reads "Watch it; Share it; Donate it".
The material inside is priceless.
Al Gore has got all statistics for you. He sure has done his research. Well, he knows people who have done.
For a person who grew up in a farm raising tobacco, he sure is a lot more than that.

I have read the book. But I just could not resist the temptation to pick up a copy when I found one in the library.

Whenever it rains when it should not,
Whenever we get a heat wave when we usually don't,
Whenever I think about Alaska,
And the melting glaciers & the thawing permafrost,
I regret.
I regret that we are in a developing world that believes more in machines & industries than humans & the environment. We are a part of it. Rather, we are the sole reason that it is even happening. My Parents lived in a cleaner environment. Me not so much, but my kid?

In this world of constant change in the form of development, I guess, it is time we need to stop & think for a while. Is it all worth it?
I have been to Alaska. I have crossed the Arctic circle. I went in to see the permafrost & saw water instead. It is such a beautiful country & it is a shame that it is all not going to be the same forever. Unless, we act now.
Al Gore believes it is not a political issue so much as a moral issue.
There is nothing to disagree.

I cannot do anything but recommend you to Watch it, please!
A Teaser

2008-08-27T12:30:00.000-06:00

Some of you may know that mine is a travel family. (Wish I could say "Nomadic")
I blog my travels. I follow other's journals as well. Some, very closely.
Here is a man whose feet has touched all the SEVEN continents. The reason I upper case SEVEN is, yes! He has been to the Seventh continent as well-Antartica.

And here we worry about who is the next President of America or who is going to buy cable TV in Chennai. ugh...People! *sigh*

2008-08-27T12:22:00.000-06:00

What comes free & easy?
ADVICE!

Just because you, me or anyone is experienced with something, we dive in & assume that we have the right to donate barrels of advice to anyone new at something.
Wish we could just let them just be.
Wish we could assume that they will eventually figure it out(it is their life, after all)
Wish we could realize that we also learnt from our mistakes.
Wish we could just shut up our mouths, & like the kids say, chatti pana kavuth.

Flickering moments

2008-08-20T23:58:00.000-06:00

2008-08-20T23:45:00.001-06:00

Hmm. I feel a million things. Mostly in the likes of "happiness". But ever since I became a Mother, I've been finding less time to note them down. May be because I seldom write it down, sometimes, it's like I never felt it at all. Makes sense? Probably not to you when you read. Probably not, when I read it some years from now. But I feel them all now. It is so overwhelming.

Life has become so dynamic. Everyday is a new day. I feel things I've never felt before. I never knew I'd feel them so. It just makes me smile. Wow!

I remember reading somewhere:
Don't worry about losing sleep once you have a baby. Enjoy every waking moment.

My baby has sure taught me how to be happy.

?

2008-06-26T20:33:00.000-06:00

Every software Engineer I know(well, most of them) do not like what they are doing(including hubby!!!)
Then why are people getting into it? Money???

A story

2008-05-21T22:20:00.000-06:00

I went for a walk this evening.
I stopped by a pottery class.
The end.
Moral of the story: If you are patient, you might achieve something. If you are impatient, you are sure not to achieve anything.
Until then, telling yourself, "its okay" goes a long way!

2008-05-16T14:59:00.000-06:00

Myanmar cyclone
China Earthquake
Midwest Storms
CA Heat Wave

Al Gore says, "TOLD YOU SO!!!"

Born to forgive

2008-05-13T10:41:00.000-06:00

I am a new parent now!
I was blessed with a baby girl a month ago. Being new, I made & probably still making a lot of mistakes with my daughter. But my just-born baby is all so forgiving any number of mistakes I do.
How many times I would have hurt her by holding incorrectly?
How many times I would have delayed feeding her?(a couple seconds makes so much of a difference, to them)

But I am forgiven. I know it! The way she looks at me, she tells me so.
That one look makes me want to do better & love her all the more.
Makes me want to forgive more? Well yeah. I am working on it :-)

She spake none. But tells so much! That's a baby for all of us.

Never say Never again

2008-04-16T17:45:00.000-06:00

This is one of my fav. quotes from Stepmom.
You think: "This is me" & a situation happens that makes you realize you are capable of doing something that you never thought you would.
Life is a series of events, definitely. I am learning to take it one day at a time.
We are capable of doing a lot more than we are actually doing.

For those of you who are wondering "what the hell is this?", I am just venting out(good sense).

Wow, What a feat!

2008-03-21T12:36:00.000-06:00

Hangzhou bay bridge
Wish, I could just see this, at least from the air :-)
36 km across the sea? Is that something or what?
I hope they open it up soon to the public.
The statistics are mind-blowing!
Where are the Chinese & China headed?
Well, at least they make good use of the population they have.

Iru kodugal

2008-03-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

Iru Kodugal(Two lines)This is a yesteryear tamil movie directed by K.B. Well, I concentrate only on the definition of two lines in the movie.
It goes like this:
How to make a line smaller without extending it?
Draw a longer line next to the existing line. The 1st one seems smaller now :-)

The movie starts at that & deals with a real time situation.
I've grown up seeing this movie many times.

Time & about, I am learning from this movie.
When you are faced with a difficulty in life that does not seem to go away, a bigger issue that takes all your time, energy & sleep makes your difficulty a no-brainer.

You think you have an issue today. If you don't deal with it NOW & postpone it for tomorrow, most likely you are faced with a bigger issue the next day. Now you have to deal with 2.

Life is unfair. We all know that. It is better to accept that & learn from each day every bit it has to offer. Life is too short to let go by. You need to live & enjoy every moment. No???

I Smile

2008-02-29T12:52:00.001-07:00

It is surprising how things happen happily when you keep worrying about how to go about it.
I don't know if it is God or Destiny or simply put, Existence.
My dad calls it Nature!
Whatever be it, good things happen to all people! Sometimes, we just take it for granted. We don't notice the small things.
When I finally get around to noticing these small things, I cannot help but realize that I did nothing, but to be concerned as to
Why things don't go the way I wanted it?
Because, there is something better in store for me!

What we plan for ourselves is not necessarily the best for us.
Time to notice the small things in life!
I can do nothing, but :-) at the intelligence that has dawned upon me.

Circus! for the adults

2008-02-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

A good deal found me & better half at San Jose's Under the Grand Chapiteau at Taylor's Bridge.
Reason: Valentine's day!
Cirque du soleil is a team from Montreal that is one of the most popular shows in Vegas. They are in bay area until March.
The tickets are pricey, I would say. Nevertheless, worth every penny! Seriously. A 2 hr 30 min show of complete entertainment.
Surprisingly, I did not see any kids(unlike the traditional back-home template). On second thoughts, it was well that way. The live band produces way too much sound for a kid to handle.

It was a cold, unusually-windy night, but the hall was full!
No animals on the show, but amazing acrobatics!
Worth a visit, I would say!

Marriage

2008-02-12T10:08:00.000-07:00

The topic of discussion last saturday was Marriage.
The 1st comment was Marriage can be a great teaching or a curse.
The 2nd, Marriage is a great accident or a sweet incident.

Most of us questioned how marriage can be a great accident? Isn't it a series of accidents?
If a man/woman is prepared for Marriage, it would be a sweet incident?
But are any of us prepared before a marriage? We are not even ready for a wedding until the day dawns!

The joint consensus was
If you can let go of your personality(EGO) & be open to take in & embrace the other person as a whole(the pluses & minuses), then, you change the great accident to a sweet incident.
How feasible is this?
Sounds Crazy!
Impossible!
Well, can't we give it a try? After all, marriage requires constant nurturing.
Nothing is impossible with the mind.

Though the relationship involves 2 people, how one person reacts pretty much decides how the other person will take it & react back. So, throwing apart the fact that marriage requires both parties to co-operate & talk together, I think we can avoid many things by not reacting(specially, immediately!!!). Now, that is difficult too! But no pains, no gains!
The topic was an eye-opener unto any relationship!
So, here I am, making the mark, so that I do not forget this in future.

Count your blessings

2008-01-30T13:37:00.000-07:00

My Guru always reminds to count my blessings.
In the same context, he says,"The wheel that makes the most noise, gets replaced first. So stop Whining!"
How true!

Today, the Sun has come out after probably more than a week.
Trust me, it is a blessing.

How many times I whine for getting caught in traffic?
Well, now, I see it as quality time hearing music & checking out other cars.

How many times I've complained that it is too hot?
Now, I think of days when I don't see the Sun :-)

How many times I've complained about too much crowd?
Now, I think of times when I've not had many people around, specially my family.

How many times I've complained about halting my career to get married & come 20000 miles away to a new land?
Now, how many people get married at the right age, to the right person get to live happily ever after, without having to sacrifice your family?

When things don't happen as per our plans, it probably means there is a better plan.
Everything happens for a reason & that reason not necessarily is known at the time things happen. So many people don't have what we do.
So, today, I thank Existence for giving me shoes to cover my legs!!!

Rush Hour 3

2008-01-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

We've been watching so many movies lately & the latest one is Rush Hour 3. I was leaning on comedy more & the movie did not disappoint me. Tucker is funny as hell! Chan is getting old! But he is still a Ninja.
I cannot rate it as a must-see or a don't-see, but it is a good time pass.

I am running over old collections of Tamil movies from the library. Thillana Mohanambal is next on the list :-) If only I could get a glue that could make hubby sit through this one!!!! ufff