A milestone

Today,exactly a year ago, 17th September 2009 was my first day of Shambhavi. My association with Isha. The first 40 days, for some reason, did not look like a milestone. I continued it twice even after the 40 days. And then 2 months later, I took my first trip to the Tennessee Ashram for my Shoonya. And the 6 months target was also touched. Since then, no looking back. But now, 1 year. Sure seems like a milestone. Don't know why. But it does. I am aware that there are so many people with more than 15 years association with Isha. But this is my journey. And I feel many things. Mostly grateful.
Life has changed immensely. I'd have probably missed my daily practices for about 5 days in all of this 365 days. It did not seem easy to even think of doing 2 hours of practice every day for 1 year. But somehow, it happened. Between S. Between all our travels. It just happened.
It feels like the worst of the my life is behind me. I don't have anything to look forward to. Just honestly grateful for everything around me.
I've been fortunate to spend considerable time with some long-time volunteers & fellow meditators. I don't know what I missed. But the 1 year has been quite a learning experience. I've had moments of intense emotions, ecstasy & absolute confusion. With every single emotion, the veil was removed to reveal something way bigger. From a logic-understanding person to a devout, it's been quite a journey.
One year has been a good time for me to realize that this is my path. This path, where I have to constantly be aware & alert, lest I lose the joy of life.
At this point, I don't feel forced to take up other advanced courses(though I know they will find a way). Inner Engineering alone is enough to shed loads & loads of stuff I'd been unknowingly carrying for so long. And I feel so light today.
I used to get angry for everything. Something. Nothing. Now, I don't have a reason to get angry on anything. I don't have anger in me to share it with those around me.
I don't need to get to a beach, don't need to hike 10 miles, see the mountains, watch a sunrise to feel happy. I am just pleasant & happy by myself...though I totally enjoy all of the above.
This so-called world has shrunk or is it my world that has expanded? I am not able to point a finger at.
And of course the very "insignificant" side effects of Shambhavi.
1. I've lost 22-25 lbs of weight.
2. I sleep about 5-6 hours a night I wake up with so much joy & life.
3. I have very deep sleep.
4. I am enjoying finer things in life.
5. I've been told more than once that I look at least 6 years younger.
6. I've never felt healthier.

And now you can do the same course online.

Caught my act

I owe today's post to Deepak. I was alone at home in the afternoon. Someone knocked on the door. I opened to find some kids. Though soliciting is not entertained in our complex, I somehow did not feel offended seeing them.
One of the kids asked me to buy a piece of chocolate for $2 as donation for their school. I did not even think. Just said, "I don't have cash. Maybe some other time". They replied, "oh, okay" and found his way to the next apartment. I locked the door. But something struck me. I looked in my purse to find $20. So, picked up some laundry coins & went back after the kids. Fortunately, I found them.
"Found some change", I admitted sheepishly.
The boy smiled. "Thank you", he said.
The chocolate tasted divine, no doubt.

I don't know what made me refuse the first time. I told myself that it was ok(absolutely) to buy something unnecessary for myself. The kid's smile lit up my face. I am still smiling.

Love

What is love? Most times, Love comes off as an expression of a feeling. It means expressing it to someone. It always needs someone to show it to. Else, it feels incomplete. Whenever I've experienced this kind of feeling I would always look for someone to show it to. It is precious. It is priceless.
BUT.
What if we have a feeling towards someone & that person is not around? That immense feeling that has a desperate need to be expressed, but is unable to because THE person to be showered it with is not around.
Ok, you can call, talk to that person. Tell "I Love you" a million times. But still, it doesn't settle. The moment you drop that phone, you want to call back & talk it out all over again.
The important fact is the pleasant feeling it leaves us with. It leaves a permanent smile. You want to smile for as long as you can.

BUT again.
What if I want to be loving? Not bothered. Not waiting for that perfect person to come around. What if I am able to just love. NO. I am not talking about universal love or loving this entire world. I am talking about a specific individual. ME. After all, isn't love all about me? If I can love someoNe soooooooo much, can't I spill this love around where I live?
After all, I really do not know what is permanent or impermanent any more. What if I just love every moment of this life? Whoever comes into my life, can't I just bow down & love them unconditionally. I really do not want love in return. I just have the need to love.
If this sounds abstract, forgive me. I am just back from being in Inner Engineering & amongst Isha Volunteers. I am in Bliss.