One fine morning

I have a neighbour whom I have never seen till date. All I see is meals-on-wheels dropping food for him at the door. Sometimes, there is even a note saying, "Please leave meals at the door. I am out." I may have wondered who is this person? Nothing more.

Today, as I was walking out in the morning, I saw food outside his door. Lunch. Yesterday's lunch. Still intact. I did not feel right and let the office know. She thanked me(a lot) and told me that my neighbour is a really old and sweet man(living alone). She confirmed that she'd let me know what happens.
I knew they would be busy and did not mind her not calling me to let me know if all is well.
On my way out again in the afternoon, I noticed that the food was gone! Good sign. But then one of the workers told me that they were so concerned since morning about him. They tried to knock on his door so many times. No answer! They were to call the Police to break open the door as they were not allowed to go in.
They have the keys!!!!
Crazy North American rules(&**&%&^$%)

I was a little worried. I did not know why. I hadn't even seen the man.
On my way back, the office lady stopped me. She told me that they were so busy and worried since morning. She had reached out to his daughter in Victoria and she in turn was trying to get in touch with some family member to come visit. They had tried to get in touch with the Manager. They called him many times. They knocked on his door quite a bit too.
Then he just answered the phone saying that he was just asleep. For 2 days at a stretch!!
I was so much more concerned knowing he is actually alone, and has family as close as Victoria(2 hrs via airplane)
The first thought that came to me was "Did I ever hurt him? Did I hate him?"
I wasn't okay to realize that I hadn't even seen him. Maybe I should've made an effort. I will watch closely for his door from now.
And this thought startled me.
It may not be a long standing thought or feeling, but something very worthwhile to remember every moment.
That should make me a little more pleasant to be around with!

Mind

Seven days!!! And not a ray of Sun,

What all I had did not matter. Every ounce of me longed for one ray of  it.

And now, when it finally brightens the sky,

my heart skips a beat.

It hurts to see all the snow fall off the leaves.

How can I have both? How can I have it all?

Yet it seems only that will make me happy.

The seasons happen. In time. Every year.

How much I want a season to last? Every single time.

How much resistance I have to face something new?

Yet it happens. 

The Sky clearing out 

I stood my ground to take it all in. 
I just was. 

Tried to grasp the world through my senses.

For a moment, I was glad I had my camera,

then, alas! what camera can see that my eyes do? 

O Elusive mind, what are you? 

When did you start ruling me? How did I succumb to you?

Are you separate from me?

Who am I?

He is not a man, but a possibility!!!

Life after Samyama is very different. I don't remember how life was before knowing certain truths. Nor do I know a way to go back there. In many ways, it feels like a one-way trip.

Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the IYC streaming on Sadhguru's birthday. I have no clue in what state I was within myself. I was not prepared for the surprise that hit me. Tears just swelled in my eyes. A friend asked why? what? I wish I knew.
Maybe not.

His talk shattered my world.
Every birthday, I need to celebrate my life with enough awareness that I will not have it forever. I should think about death on my birthday. My death. Quite a feat!
But the thought that is troubling me most is ...Who am I? Caught up in this world, running behind things that matter less in reality, worrying about things/people on what I have no control of, caring for my own knowing that these were all I clearly grabbed recently. Who the hell am I?

Renounciation is definitely used in a negative sense. Even to me. But bringing awareness and perspective to the facts that I have renounced my childhood to become an adult, renounced time and self to become a mother...why do I hold on to these as if they are my own???

After coming across this question 15 years ago, I stand before it, yet again. With even more velocity, I hope.

Looking at His eyes, I just realized what a huge possibility He is. To me. How lost should I be without this possibility? What a huge privilege it is to live in the same lifetime as Him!
I feel like a spec, an unknown, in this huge cosmos(which is the truth). How I feel is of no existential relevance or importance!

I am deeply grateful than I know or realize right now.

Samarpanam.
Shambho!!!

To the big city

This Summer is spelt and felt in Vancouver, BC for the family.
It is a crazy land. Hippie land. water-land. Hope land. Ridiculously beautiful land. Many more positives hold good here.
The city is so close to my perception of San Francisco, only better. I have never seen this city with more grateful eyes.
But my first view of Vancouver was not this great.

If Vancouver is the big city, Calgary is the quaint, faint town/village. And it definitely felt so the first couple of days.
My being was filled with thoughts at the first sight of homeless people. Where did they come from? Are there such people here too, in Canada?
The freeze-to-death winter in Calgary probably made them non-existential there. And it took me this city to realize that I had settled down in my own world(with my own idea of it, of course)...in just over 2 years!!!
I found myself looking in all directions. I had no clue where I was. Not to bother what I was doing here.
I was everything from resistant to suspicious to ignorant. I surprise myself when I realize to what extent my-own-world has made me numb...Numb to everything around me.

It was interesting to look out and down from the 21st floor. It is abnoxious when luxuries are taken for granted. Specially when you pass by a couple decent beggars* every block.
I wasn't just going to watch the city from a high-rise.
I hit the roads.
Walked every street I set eyes on.
Me, a map...and of course a 4 year old side-kick who didn't have much choice to do otherwise.

Just seeing people face-to-face. For what they are...in my eyes. And their struggle for survival.
These walking days became longer. And days surely became weeks. And I don't know when I started feeling like I am part of it...this city and its people.
The beaches soon looked like haven. The parks welcoming, and the resistance eagerness.
I will leave the city soon to go back to the routine. And honestly, a part of me(that has settled down here) again erupts resistance, this time to go back to the usual.
A huge lesson to the self. Is this the way life really is? Or again, am I looking at it with my eyes? 

* - who just sit. They don't bug you for money.

SILENCE

I've been wanting to write about my 8 day silence program ever since I got back home. But every single time I attempted to write about it, I would turn blank. After a while, I did not want to write about it at all. Four months after the program, I am not sure I realize the magnitude of its effect on me.

I can definitely feel and see the changes. Almost like a new ME. Only that, if it is ME or me, doesn't seem very significant now. I don't claim that I have been there, done it all. No way! There are still so many struggles that I go through. So many things that bother me.
But, somewhere, it is ok. Whatever be it. It's just OK.
I don't have the need to be emotional. As much.
It is so much easier to detach myself from most situations if I really wish to.

What all we had to go through in the name of preparations for the program?
The daily practices!! The diet!! The schedule changes!!!
When I sat for the program, I wanted to feel, "This is it. This is the end of all that I endured the last 45 days".
But, what happened every moment of those 8 days, I really wish I could recollect and tell it in words, if such a thing is possible. For what I experienced during the program, 'n' amount of all that preparation seemed frivolous.


The blankness that hit me when I wanted to write about Samyama made me even feel that I probably missed it. I probably did not get it all. 
But honestly, something like Samyama, cannot NOT touch you. It is subtle. Very. But BIG! It is probably the biggest thing that can happen to me in this life. My life has changed. It still is. The past seems so far away and I doubt I can go back to it.


My perception of devotion is completely different from what I have ever been taught or felt so far.
I bow down to Sadhguru with everything that I am. Not just for the person that he is. But mostly for the possibility he seems to me.
Pranams,

Ishana, Delhi Airport

My last few hours in India. At the very famous Delhi T3. S asleep. I was dead exhausted physically, from carrying around a sleeping girl through immigration and security. Added to it was the fact that the flight departed at 3.00 am. I would've gladly accepted a "grumpy" label. G took a walk to refresh himself while I settled to slumber on the floor below S(lying on a sofa). He returned back & asked me to go around so I try to open my eyes in time for departure. He asked me to take a good 1 hr. But I promised him I will be back in 20 min.

I planned to look around the airport, as it truly seemed to be the best Indian airport I have seen thus far(the only other is Chennai, which doesn't technically count as an International airport per say).

As I continued looking on, my eyes seemed to give up on me. And then I saw it. 

india. explore. ishana

OMG! How did I not remember? er, how did I forget in the first place?

Bells rang in my ears. Isha...Theerthkund...

That was all I needed. One big smile adorned my face as I walked in.

It truly is a space. All I needed was a dip in the healing pool. And I headed right there. You can't take a dip. So, made do with just my feet in. And it did what it mentioned it would. Once I felt awake(ned) :), a yogi-looking-guy came in and asked if he could play the flute. He was a musician. The management allowed. So, as I sat awakened in the pool, I close my eyes gratefully to some soulful music.

I thought it should've been more than 20 min. So, decided to check the store out(just a little) before heading out. It turned out to be more than 1 hr. A wonderful space. Truly! I had to remind myself that I was in an airport in India. I was transported to another world. Rather, the whole world seemed to have come into this space.

I ended up buying goodies, gifted myself to a complimentary mehendi & walked around. And around. And around. 

I came out refreshed. 

Reached out to G, "This is the best airport, ever." 

G promptly retorted, "you were just in one shop". 

A sheepish grin.

Ishana was a perfect culmination to my life-changing experience in India. 

Definitely will not reconsider a 3.00 am flight out of Delhi.

P-E-R-C-E-P-T-I-O-N

Today, S turns 4. We decided to celebrate it at her school. I am not sure I have mentioned earlier that S's teacher is a person of tremendous capabilities. Many kids that turn up at the school are kids whose parents could not afford to go there. She takes little money from some & none from others. Recently, she informed me of a boy who will be joining for a few months, because....he would live only for those months. He is a 6 yr old diagnosed with brain tumor that is cancerous. And he has been granted 8 months of life, if everything goes well. I felt for this boy. But had not seen him until today. He looks like a normal 6 yr old who cannot do so many things. He has stitches across his head. He cannot eat cream from a cake. He cannot tolerate loud noise as it would hurt his head so much. Practically, everything that a 6 yr old will want to do. But he doesn't seem to complain.

And here I was. Discussing things about S's education to her teacher. Suddenly, everything about life seemed so trivial. So meaningless. I did not cry for him. Or his life. I am just watching him. Every single person born is going to die. What difference is shedding tears going to do? There is a world of difference between Knowing, Realizing & experiencing this reality. I honestly don't know where I am right now. Moments like these, I ponder & (try to) set my priorities right.
If I am going to die tomorrow, what would I want to do?
Learn to drum!!!
Felt good to realize that I have my class tomorrow.
Just shoving this to the world, I feel relieved. *sigh*