Petrichor

I have a neighbour whom I have never seen till date. All I see is meals-on-wheels dropping food for him at the door. Sometimes, there is even a note saying, "Please leave meals at the door. I am out." I may have wondered who is this person? Nothing more. Today, as I was walking out in the morning, I saw food outside his door. Lunch. Yesterday's lunch. Still intact. I did not feel right and let the office know. She thanked me(a lot) and told me that my neighbour is a really old and sweet man(living alone). She confirmed that she'd let me know what happens. I knew they would be busy and did not mind her not calling me to let me know if all is well. On my way out again in the afternoon, I noticed that the food was gone! Good sign. But then one of the workers told me that they were so concerned since morning about him. They tried to knock on his door so many times. No answer! They were to call the Police to break open the door as they were not allowed to go in. They ...

Seven days!!! And not a ray of Sun, What all I had did not matter. Every ounce of me longed for one ray of  it. And now, when it finally brightens the sky, my heart skips a beat. It hurts to see all the snow fall off the leaves. How can I have both? How can I have it all? Yet it seems only that will make me happy. The seasons happen. In time. Every year. How much I want a season to last? Every single time. How much resistance I have to face something new? Yet it happens.  The Sky clearing out  I stood my ground to take it all in.  I just was.  Tried to grasp the world through my senses. For a moment, I was glad I had my camera, then, alas! what camera can see that my eyes do?  O Elusive mind, what are you?  When did you start ruling me? How did I succumb to you? Are you separate from me? Who am I?

Life after Samyama is very different. I don't remember how life was before knowing certain truths. Nor do I know a way to go back there. In many ways, it feels like a one-way trip. Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the IYC streaming on Sadhguru's birthday. I have no clue in what state I was within myself. I was not prepared for the surprise that hit me. Tears just swelled in my eyes. A friend asked why? what?  I wish I knew. Maybe not. His talk shattered my world. Every birthday, I need to celebrate my life with enough awareness that I will not have it forever. I should think about death on my birthday. My death. Quite a feat! But the thought that is troubling me most is ... Who am I? Caught up in this world, running behind things that matter less in reality, worrying about things/people on what I have no control of, caring for my own knowing that these were all I clearly grabbed recently. Who the hell am I? Renounciation is definitely used in a negative sense....

Today, S turns 4. We decided to celebrate it at her school. I am not sure I have mentioned earlier that S's teacher is a person of tremendous capabilities. Many kids that turn up at the school are kids whose parents could not afford to go there. She takes little money from some & none from others. Recently, she informed me of a boy who will be joining for a few months, because....he would live only for those months. He is a 6 yr old diagnosed with brain tumor that is cancerous. And he has been granted 8 months of life, if everything goes well. I felt for this boy. But had not seen him until today. He looks like a normal 6 yr old who cannot do so many things. He has stitches across his head. He cannot eat cream from a cake. He cannot tolerate loud noise as it would hurt his head so much. Practically, everything that a 6 yr old will want to do. But he doesn't seem to complain. And here I was. Discussing things about S's education to her teacher. Suddenly, everything ab...

One of those flashy thought days!!! Today: Deepavali. When did I grow up? When did I learn to cook? When did I know how to take care of a kid? When did I outgrow being around my mother? When did I stop wanting to be taken care of like a kid? Seems like yesterday, Amma was braiding my hair. Today, I am combing S's hair to grab a pony. Seems like yesterday, I was holding Amma's hands wherever I went. Today, I am running behind S to hold my hand. :) Seems like yesterday I heard Appa say, "Wow! You make us feel like we have 4 people in this house". Today, I enjoy the quietness when S goes to sleep. Seems like yesterday, Amma would kiss me through the night as I would not allow her to do it in public. Today, S smiles & kisses me when she wakes up. Seems like yesterday, I would compel Amma to watch a movie with me. (she would not wish it, but still watch it with me). Today, S forces me to do the same. I feel like Amma. But still do it sometimes. Definitely yesterday, wh...

I really do not want to make a statement or judgement. But something happened today & I realized that generalizing this could be ok...of course with exceptions, as usual. Older people have seen more. They have lived more. So, they should be happier...right? Well, I have mostly seen it to be au contraire. Today, me & S were at the Garden. We have an organic plot, where we grow organic vegetables. Actually, we have just started. So, I was respectfully sowing all my seeds. There is no way S would just sit & SEE me do it for 45 minutes. She had better things to do; Like digging the mud, getting all dirty, watering plants, blowing a dandelion. You know, STUFF. And I let her do it. As if I have options, huh? But I ask her to let me know where she goes(within the garden of course) & I check on her every couple of minutes. Knowingly, she would also raise her head every few minutes to meet my eyes. On one such eye contact, I saw her lifting a big stone & putting it somewhere...

with a BANG. I am completely blown over. And the party of life has begun! The intensity of just 3 days was way more than the total intensity of my entire life. The whole world seems like a whole new place. And I feel so privileged to be a part of this. Every person I see seems to be a part of me & I feel like I am a part of every single thing around me. It feels strangely wonderful. When it comes to Isha, I am always at a loss for words because what I experience is way beyond than words can express. The ashram, Mahima, the residents, the volunteers, the food, the work - everything is powerfully humbling. Every moment of everyday, whatever happens there & the impact of what is happening there is just too much to even comprehend. The volunteers, how many ever times I look at them, just the way they are, the way they served us food, the very willingness of how much they want to be a part of making this happen to participants like me is overwhelming. BSP was different. Very differ...

S turns 3 today. She is absolutely bubbly & loving now & is pretty excited about cutting a cake. She can speak & understand Tamil & English & can effectively push me away from a store that does not interest her. She needs a cuddle to go to sleep & is capable of making me listen to her. :) She has been my best gift so far & I truly bow down to her for being so patient with me. I am logging as much as I can about her & her growth, the first 3 years of her life. Not because I want to show her how much she has grown or how much she has learnt from me. But because she has taught me soooooo much. I am grateful to her for every lesson of love, affection, forgiveness, sadness, happiness, adventure, challenge & most of all patience. It has been quite a ride. And she guided me through each one of them. Some people have already started forcing me to think about a sibling for S. But fortunately, I had thought about it much earlier. The happiness I get from her i...

I feel - moved . To have a husband who surprised me with a birthday cake(even after repeatedly saying "I don't want anything") & a daughter who discovered it in the fridge. - blessed . To live in the same lifetime as someone like Sadhguru. - happy . To have life in this body. - fulfilled . To not want many things I once wanted. - privileged . To have people who love me, in spite of all my limitations. - complete . To have a brother I never had & a little mad girl who means the world. A truly blessed life. Whom do I thank? What words can convey how I feel? When will I stop wanting to express things that cannot be expressed?

There are situations(or even people) that I'd be gladly away from. I am not a loner, but would like to stay away from people who are trouble or who may cause my inner balance to sway. I don't like to get into politics or be a subject of discussion. But, in the last few days I realized. These people or situations are not a bad thing. They are not my enemies. They are necessary so I get out of a few things I need to get out of. All this while, these people or situations caused turmoil to tremor(situation depending) ONLY because I allowed them to do so. It was I that gave them the importance they now have. When I saw this, it brought new strength within. My fear seems to have vanished. I no longer want to avoid situations. There is something to learn & overcome round every corner. I know I knew this all along. What was the difference? Well, it is the difference between knowing something & experiencing it. It is the difference between the mind & the self. Thanks to the ...

I went for a walk today. Temperature reading -13C something. But the wind was howling horrendously. I wanted to feel the wind on my face. But G gladly gave my balaclava to save my face. As I walked out, a neighbor greeted. Seeing me all geared up, he said, "I don't think you are going out now. It is -29C". The windchill, he meant. I smiled & walked down. The minute I walked out into the cold, I realized, "-29C! What was I thinking???" I just had one layer of Jeans. The magic # is 15 or -15 to be specific. If the temperature reads below the magic#, I should be using 2 layers. Even more, snow pants. Alas! Too late. I could not feel my thighs in a little bit & the wind was bellowing from behind. I did not think of my way back just yet. I decided to walk as much as I could. It felt so good. Just being in that pinching cold. I was decently dressed. Winter boots, jeans, a down jacket over a t-shirt, gloves, balaclava & my parka's hood. I was considerab...

From 2004, I've had memorable New Year Eve's. In the sense, I was witnessing something different. Let me see if my memory serves me right. 2004 - My first New Year in the US. Watched the fireworks in San Francisco. My first visit to this beautiful city too. :) 2005 - Hiked to see the Elephant seals in Ano Nuevo SP, Ca. High fever. But did not want to miss it at any cost. 2006 - Heard the fireworks from our tent. Camped in Anza Borrego State Park , Ca. 2007 - SF fireworks from Angel Island . We backpacked & camped in cold 37F. 2008 - Quiet time in Palm Springs , Ca. 2009 - A quiet night after returning from a trip to San Diego. 2010 - SF fireworks from Treasure Island sans all the crowd. 2011 will be different. Very different from what I had in mind as different earlier. I find myself in extreme gratefulness. Extreme joy & love. For nothing in particular. I feel thankful to witness another New Year. So, I AM in a different place this year too. Just a different dimension,...

So. I managed to read Robert Fischer's "Gandhi". For some reason, I did not want to read his autobiography(again). I wanted to read about him as a second person. And since this book was the inspiration for the movie " Gandhi ", I was able to relate to it better. The whole book went all "Mahatma" about him. There were words that touched the heart. "He did not want the British to have no strength to fight Indians; He wanted them to not have the heart to do so." It may seem immaterial, but what touched me most about the Mahatma was that he was not born like one. He was a normal atman with all the crap like we all have. In his younger years, he had told lies, got immensely furious on many things. But he rose over all of it. His vision made him do so. What touched me even more was that he contradicted himself on many occasions. He never settled with one thing. He was constantly learning to do what is best for a given situation at that particular t...

I have had a very different notion of what an Ashram is, all along. Or I am not sure. Did I care about to even think of one? If at all I did, I would have thought that an ashram is a dull & boring place where everyone thinks & speaks of God. No one tells lies. Everyone would(should)be morally Mr.correct. Again, I did not think women lived in an ashram. An ashram would be a painfully demanding place where you are inflicted with misery. It would be secluded from the outside world. With all these assumptions in mind, no doubt, I would conclude that an ashram is the last place you want to end up at. Ugh! I had the privilege of "living" in an ashram recently. A couple days only. Still. All I could think of it right now is, those few days were THE most happiest days of my life so far. And that is saying something. I will consider myself as one of the fortunate ones whose life has been blessed with many a child-like happy moments. I will not consider myself as a religious pe...

Calgary and most of the West is under a Winter Spell. It has been -20C for the last 1 week. Not so much snow, but the cold really gets to the bones unless you are dressed appropriately. It feels like Christmas already. All the evergreens are adorned with brilliant white snow. Just beautiful! S says it is cold. She says, "winter is here". But no complains so far. I feel so gratified, though she is probably too young to complain. She loves to go out however be the weather outside. The temperature read positive today(just on the border) & it feels so warm. Relatively. I am amazed how I underestimate my tolerance limit. From "how are people surviving in that cold" to "It's not too bad", I feel like laughing at my own deceptive mind. So, there is my first winter snowstorm & I survived gracefully. Will wait for the chinooks now. :) I have been smiling at the snow for reasons unlimited. I am known to complain about the heat & now I learnt my less...

Today,exactly a year ago, 17th September 2009 was my first day of Shambhavi . My association with Isha. The first 40 days, for some reason, did not look like a milestone. I continued it twice even after the 40 days. And then 2 months later, I took my first trip to the Tennessee Ashram for my Shoonya. And the 6 months target was also touched. Since then, no looking back. But now, 1 year. Sure seems like a milestone. Don't know why. But it does. I am aware that there are so many people with more than 15 years association with Isha. But this is my journey. And I feel many things. Mostly grateful. Life has changed immensely. I'd have probably missed my daily practices for about 5 days in all of this 365 days. It did not seem easy to even think of doing 2 hours of practice every day for 1 year. But somehow, it happened. Between S. Between all our travels. It just happened. It feels like the worst of the my life is behind me. I don't have anything to look forward to. Just honest...

Definitely not "just another" book. I cannot call it inspirational but would willingly agree to say "life transforming"(to say the least). But it can shake you completely if you will. While reading the book, I cannot deny, I started to believe what was being told, at least a part of it, but now, as I sit and write, I am...confused. All the more. And as I know, confusion is good. Better than a conclusion. A friend mentioned that she read this book as she would her Ph.D thesis. The book belongs to the same genre as the one I read earlier, but it goes a level higher with scientific proof. ie., if you consider Psychiatry as science. It is very easy to dismiss the content of this book as illogical(even with the scientific proof) because the content is such. "A life cannot be rushed, cannot be worked on a schedule as so many people want it to be. We must accept what comes to us at a given time, not ask for more. But life is endless, so we never die; we were never rea...

S planted her first seed 2 days ago. She was so excited trying to dig a hole, put the seed in & pour water. It's a given that Canada is populated with immigrants. And the Government is doing so much for the new generation. They have art programs, gym time, indoor play area, movie days, Help me grow times for kids. And it is all free. I learnt about this recently & have benefited greatly in just 2 visits. S absolutely loved being in the garden. They use organic fertilizers(I am yet to find out what they are) & the parents get to reap the veggies. I picked up a bunch of spinach & mint leaves. My cooking yesterday costed me nothing, we all ate organic food & I am also glad that we contribute to the community. Next week, we will go check on the zucchini that we planted & plant some more. From the post, if it is obvious that I had more fun, maybe you are right. I am getting to learn so much from all that is available. Hopefully, I gather enough information to sus...

A couple months ago, I was extremely fortunate to host a friend for a couple of days. Two days spent in her presence & company is possibly the richest memory I can ever treasure. I learnt lessons by talking to her, listening to her & observing her. One important lesson I learnt was to "Distance myself". From anything. From everything. Specially from other people's lives. When I was told this, it hurt. Quite a bit. The situation was such. A common friend was going through a rough patch. And this common friend is very dear to me, almost like family. So, I was a little(okay, very) concerned that she would end up with a wrong decision, for her or her family. It is not one of those poking-your-nose scenarios. I was genuinely concerned. But this friend, asked me to distance myself from the whole thing. She said, "Let her figure it out for herself". I was not convinced that that was the best solution at that point in time. But I have extreme respect for this pe...

This is also an irony! All through our early adult life we add things to our life assuming it will make us more complete. And after realization sets in that those accessories were the ones that created stress in the first place, we get down to "detox" our lives by learning to simplify our lives. We have restarted our camping vacations now & it is life changing, to say the least. Canadian hotels are expensive. For the sweeping array of places that we would love to see, camping proves to be a decent-budget option, if not the only one. Earlier, we always carried a laptop so that we could stay connected. But these days, we just love the fact that the places we go don't have access to the rest of the world. With the phone & internet turned off, we turned "ourselves" on. And all of a sudden it looks like we got new self's. Weekend comes & goes. No doubt we end up working more than we usually do. But the fact remains that we enjoy every bit of what we d...