Winding up, Looking forward

2011 was not just another year. Some beautiful things happened.
Visited Bay area, attended powerful programs, saw the Devi, ecstatic after a friend's visit, made new commitments, drove to Alaska, enjoying a pleasant winter, and now gearing up for an experience-of-a-lifetime early next year.
Could not have asked for anything better;
Grateful for each lesson learnt;

Looking forward to THE trip to India. It feels like home. Always!
I can't wait to smell the air,...people....look awed at all the new changes as we drive out...mmm...

Lots of adventure - me alone with S for over 24 hrs!!!
Lots of shopping
Lots of meeting & greeting
Lots of yummy food
A visit to the beach, hopefully :)
Staying awake a whole night
And LOTS of meditation!!!

2012...Can't wait.
I am all yours!

Giving

I read Sadhguru's article recently here.

While I dramatically make big issues about receiving, this man shows it on my face that I am receiving in more ways than I know. And now I realize that blatant truth.
It took me a day to shake the shock out of me & face reality.
It seems so natural(& mechanical) to think so many times about receiving something from someone. I think about repaying it someway/somehow until I actually do so.

Life is not about ethics or morals like I've been taught growing up. It seems much simpler than that. As a kid, this seems simple. But after all the complexities I am caught up with, it is an eon in itself to carefully "unlearn" everything I learnt so carelessly.
Sometimes, when I am caught up with, "Oh, how do I teach her(S)how to handle this? How do I teach her how to share? How do I change her attitude to these things?", I catch myself settle & realize that I need to just let her be herself instead of pushing my garbage into her growth. It is the most important lesson I have to learn.
Learning is easier than unlearning!!!


A movie I saw few years ago, shook me to this same extent.

I don't know the ultimate truth behind both. I don't know how the Universe functions. I don't know how I function. I don't even know if I wish I knew it all.
*SIGH*

Ha!!!

Woke up to snow this morning. :)
First snow of the season. Made all of us smile, specially S. S wanted to dress up warm & go out to play in the snow to make snow balls, but it melted away by then.
Then it became sunny.
On the way to pick up S from school, from nowhere I saw a weird shape of a cloud. I was really wondering what would this cloud bring. In less than a minute, HAIL...where I was. but 1 km away the sun was shining bright.
I love this lovable city. The top reason for the love is the city's unpredictable weather.
Can't really say Winter is here. Can't say it is not here as well.
Weird. But every bit beautiful. :)

My Deepavali

One of those flashy thought days!!!
Today: Deepavali.
When did I grow up? When did I learn to cook?
When did I know how to take care of a kid? When did I outgrow being around my mother?
When did I stop wanting to be taken care of like a kid?

Seems like yesterday, Amma was braiding my hair. Today, I am combing S's hair to grab a pony.
Seems like yesterday, I was holding Amma's hands wherever I went. Today, I am running behind S to hold my hand. :)
Seems like yesterday I heard Appa say, "Wow! You make us feel like we have 4 people in this house". Today, I enjoy the quietness when S goes to sleep.
Seems like yesterday, Amma would kiss me through the night as I would not allow her to do it in public. Today, S smiles & kisses me when she wakes up.

Seems like yesterday, I would compel Amma to watch a movie with me. (she would not wish it, but still watch it with me). Today, S forces me to do the same. I feel like Amma. But still do it sometimes.
Definitely yesterday, when I was sick & won't allow Amma to do any work(but be with me & talk to me). Today, S definitely does the same (only when she is sick:))

Wow! History repeats itself. Do I wish I realized it when the whole world around me was shouting it in my ears all along?
Naaaaaaa.....Don't think so. :)

P.S: Made some delicacies for the kids at S's school. They celebrate the festivals of the world. Probably took me for a spiral ride in flash back being in the giving side now.

seasons change

It interests me to realize how much I can settle down.
Being so high in latitude, 4000 ft abv sea level and so close to the Rockies...yet I expected somewhere for the Summer to last(not forever, at least a little longer). Well! at least Fall.

The weather over the last few days have been so alarmingly different through the day. Two days ago when G mentioned that the low was -4C, I was like, "WHAT???" Seems like I was in la-la land all along.
Seriously, when did Fall fall away?

Six months of grrr weather ahead. It gives me the chill just thinking of it. I honestly forgot how cold it gets. How cold does it feel!!!
No Calgarian is (probably) prepared or ready to welcome it. But it comes. When it has to. :)
Today was a different day(like every single day). As I was driving S to her school, I saw the weather change. It wasn't subtle anymore. I smiled. It was beautiful. How nature has its ways of waking me to reality?
I am in no way prepared to think of the next few months. But in all humility, I can say that it brings a smile on my face to see a snowstorm(from the insides of a warm home). Many many days where I will feel grateful for all I have so I can smile when I see the white world outside.
Truly humbling!

P.S: It is going to be a challenge to drive S to her school everyday, but we'll see. :)

Grasshopper thoughts

I have not been hibernating. Trust me.
On the contrary so much has been happening in life, my life, our life that I am at loss of what to write about.
Should I write about incredible Canada, where every corner I look shows me a family from a country so far away?
Should I write about our travels, our recent road trip to Alaska which has changed me unlike any other road trip?
Should I write about Munira, S's pre-school teacher, who goes to India to volunteer with organizations & sets up montessori schools there?
Should I write about how S is teaching me every single day to be a mother?
Should I write about how grateful I've been feeling about my parents lately for they allowed me to be ... just me?
Should I write about the joy I have when I see my school? How so many emotions are tied up with that second home?

I could pour my heart out & still barely scratch the surface. I feel blessed. To have all these people in my life, I currently have.

Going back...not backwards

I have been watching myself lately. I am so much happier. So much more joyful. I feel life within. I breathe. I smell. I enjoy. I respond.
All the simple things in life matter so much more to me now than ever.
I feel like a child in many ways.
I enjoy music. I enjoy the sun...seriously, that is a big deal for me. I enjoy the storms. I enjoy good company. I enjoy being alone.
In so many ways, I feel fulfilled. I do not worry about a tomorrow, though I plan for it.

I am able to do so many things with abandon. As if I don't care. Truth is I care too much. About what I do. Not about the outcome. It is freedom in many ways. Some people may call it liberation. But it seems too big a word, right now. Freedom is fine. Happiness seems just right. :)
Having S around definitely adds to the beauty, as she is so full of life too. I seem to be attracting intense & joyful people too :)
I am grateful. For what I am today. Thanks to Isha.

More life = more happiness?

I really do not want to make a statement or judgement. But something happened today & I realized that generalizing this could be ok...of course with exceptions, as usual.

Older people have seen more. They have lived more. So, they should be happier...right?
Well, I have mostly seen it to be au contraire.
Today, me & S were at the Garden. We have an organic plot, where we grow organic vegetables. Actually, we have just started.
So, I was respectfully sowing all my seeds. There is no way S would just sit & SEE me do it for 45 minutes. She had better things to do; Like digging the mud, getting all dirty, watering plants, blowing a dandelion. You know, STUFF.
And I let her do it. As if I have options, huh?
But I ask her to let me know where she goes(within the garden of course) & I check on her every couple of minutes. Knowingly, she would also raise her head every few minutes to meet my eyes.
On one such eye contact, I saw her lifting a big stone & putting it somewhere. I saw an elderly man, trying to tell her something. So, I went closer to check. He told me angrily, "Do you know what she just did?" Poor thing! By then she guessed something was wrong & she was the reason. She put her head down & made a :( face.
She had actually accomplished in lifting up a big stone but put it inside someone else's lot, as in where someone grew plants. The old man got so angry. I told him, "I am sorry. I will talk to her." I figured, it has already been done & the least I could do was talk to her & explain what she has done. He got so upset. He said, "The least you could do is supervise her" & went away. I smiled. At S. By then, she was expecting something from me. When I explained what she did upset that "thatha" she felt bad. And said she won't do it again. And then she followed me to our lot & never left my sight after that.
A very small incident. This old man would have been in his later 60's. I agree, at this age, plants mean so much. Still!
I was filled with, "Children are not born knowing everything...they don't understand what we want...heck! they don't understand what they want"...along those lines. But then I stopped myself saying I was trying to be a victim to this situation.
I decided then. I don't want to be resentful if I am old & alive. I want to enjoy & experience every moment of this joyous life. I realized that this moment...if gone, is gone. I don't want to save my life for when I am 60. I don't want to care for 60. I want to care for now. And my now is S. As long as I am a child WITH her, she will take care of that for me. What a blessing a child can be!

BSP happened

with a BANG. I am completely blown over. And the party of life has begun!
The intensity of just 3 days was way more than the total intensity of my entire life.
The whole world seems like a whole new place. And I feel so privileged to be a part of this.
Every person I see seems to be a part of me & I feel like I am a part of every single thing around me. It feels strangely wonderful.
When it comes to Isha, I am always at a loss for words because what I experience is way beyond than words can express.
The ashram, Mahima, the residents, the volunteers, the food, the work - everything is powerfully humbling. Every moment of everyday, whatever happens there & the impact of what is happening there is just too much to even comprehend.
The volunteers, how many ever times I look at them, just the way they are, the way they served us food, the very willingness of how much they want to be a part of making this happen to participants like me is overwhelming.

BSP was different. Very different from any program I've attended even with Isha, but the constant outcome is the same. Transformation!!! BSP has changed the very way I am. The way I look at things. In all ways, I can call it rebirth. I lost a lot of rubbish that was weighing me down, knowingly & unknowingly.

Duh me. But Sadhguru is a huge possibility & I so hope humanity could make use of this man.
Many people who have tried to express their experience of BSP, I've seen them in tears. If they ever manage to say something, all they say is that they cannot express it in words. Well, I am no different.

Inspired

I am blessed to have the opportunity to meet some wonderful people everyday. When I take S to classes. Those people don't work. The work they do cannot be done if they have no passion in what they do.
So, I often have inspiring talks with some of them to hear their experiences from over the years. Each of them have been dealing with children all their lives. Their stories are...dramatically inspiring, to say the least.
One was a case worker in the North-really North, where the temperature dips to -40C when the Sun never shows up(& those are many days). It was disheartening to know they would need a Children case worker in such areas. The enlightening information I received through him was that the natives, unlike I expected, are abused by drugs. They load themselves with alcohol heavily & constantly force their children(some as young as 3 years) to drink as well. Why? was my first question. The answer was disgusting to say the least. Apparently, the government pays them to live there in the reserves & they don't need to work to earn a living. Worse news is the more people in the family, the more their income. So, lack of work & free money is making people ruin their own lives. All the kids are physically abused & are more than happy to run away to other places. Not to mention I was disturbed for a long time after hearing this.
Recently, I had a conversation with their Director, who goes into the heart of Manitoba(to where the Polar Bears roam, actually) to train kids find their talent, or to give them some support at the least. She makes this trip every year & every time her heart pounds. She never knows how she will be treated, if she will even come back alive. She told me that it feels like walking into a lion's den...every single time. I had tears in my eyes just listening to her. Her stories were similar to the ones I'd heard earlier. But my heart hadn't hardened just yet. In spite of all this, she ended saying that every time she comes back home, she feels grateful for her life. And this, my dear is a 2 time cancer survivor. She is by far the most realized being I've ever seen.
Every time I walk in to the class with S, I don't know what I'll encounter. Just wait to get enlightened, which hasn't failed to happen almost every single time. I am grateful for my experiences thus far. There is more to this land than that meets the eye.

A precious weekend

Point Reyes. Pacific coast. The famous 101. Golden Gate. San Francisco skyline. The sequence of what I saw as I landed into this country. Familiarity. Smile. I know places like the back of my head and it sure felt like home. Home for 7 wonderful years. Even in my wildest dreams I did not think I would find myself in SFO and someone would pick me up. It seemed surreal. Too good even for a story. I am probably creating drama, but this city brought back memories.

Sadhguru's Shambhavi Program & Yantra consecrations! I did not think what I'd receive being here. I just came. I could not be anywhere else. And what I have received is more than I even realize right now. Just being in such a space, doing what I could do, in the most efficient way possible that there is no me anymore. That is the best part of being a Volunteer. Each of us do everything possible to make this happen for others, WILLINGLY. There is really no difference between me & others. We all become one with one single focus.

And the Devi! I am not a Devi person. Never! But this Devi is something. She brought love, grace & tears to someone like me. She is no God. Something more, if that is possible. She seems real. The chants are going on inside me even now.

What a huge possibility a weekend can be! I was left tired, sleepless & exhausted. But fulfilled. As fulfilled as I've ever known.

Yet another milestone

S turns 3 today. She is absolutely bubbly & loving now & is pretty excited about cutting a cake. She can speak & understand Tamil & English & can effectively push me away from a store that does not interest her. She needs a cuddle to go to sleep & is capable of making me listen to her. :)
She has been my best gift so far & I truly bow down to her for being so patient with me. I am logging as much as I can about her & her growth, the first 3 years of her life. Not because I want to show her how much she has grown or how much she has learnt from me. But because she has taught me soooooo much. I am grateful to her for every lesson of love, affection, forgiveness, sadness, happiness, adventure, challenge & most of all patience. It has been quite a ride. And she guided me through each one of them.
Some people have already started forcing me to think about a sibling for S. But fortunately, I had thought about it much earlier. The happiness I get from her is sufficiently adequate. I am NOT yearning for more. I know my limitations. :)
This day, I am grateful for a family to call my own & for the gracious blessing(our little S) that has been showered on us.
Happy Birthday S! Thank you for being you.

Calgary

One more place I associate good memories with.
It has been -20C & below for the last 2 weeks.
Some snow & a lot of Ice.
White everywhere.
I feel cold.
Intense cold.
Ideally, I should be depressed.
Most residents are.
But,
I am not.

I am grateful to witness the white beauty...and the silence that comes with it.
I am grateful for the heater ...I would not be alive otherwise. Truly! :)
I am grateful for the joy that comes to me when I go out in the cold weather...of course, dressed appropriately.
I am not complaining, but my cold tolerance is better than that to heat. Don't ask me how I survived Chennai heat for so many years. It was definitely not this hot then...thanks to global warming.
The cold is teaching me so many things. It makes me observe negligible things.
I feel deeply grateful for the winter.
That said, I am eagerly waiting for the Spring. :)

Amma chalo

I am not an avid shopper. Okay, I am becoming one...sometimes.
So, I had to go to the mall to buy something specific. But got drifted towards Old Navy. S stepped in & had one look at the insides. She immediately knew that it was not a toy store or a candy store or a play area. One look at me & she says, "Amma chalooo"(pointing hand in the exact opposite direction of the store) making a body language used by farmers to move the bulls. As in Go, go, go. She stops it only if I make the move in the said direction. Heights of embarrassment when performed in a crowded mall. This is not the first time, but I am still dumbstruck. Needless to mention G is a happy father, extremely proud of his daughter. Ugh, family!!!

On this day,

I feel
-moved. To have a husband who surprised me with a birthday cake(even after repeatedly saying "I don't want anything") & a daughter who discovered it in the fridge.
-blessed. To live in the same lifetime as someone like Sadhguru.
-happy. To have life in this body.
-fulfilled. To not want many things I once wanted.
-privileged. To have people who love me, in spite of all my limitations.
-complete. To have a brother I never had & a little mad girl who means the world.

A truly blessed life.
Whom do I thank? What words can convey how I feel? When will I stop wanting to express things that cannot be expressed?

Fear

There are situations(or even people) that I'd be gladly away from. I am not a loner, but would like to stay away from people who are trouble or who may cause my inner balance to sway. I don't like to get into politics or be a subject of discussion.
But, in the last few days I realized. These people or situations are not a bad thing. They are not my enemies. They are necessary so I get out of a few things I need to get out of. All this while, these people or situations caused turmoil to tremor(situation depending) ONLY because I allowed them to do so. It was I that gave them the importance they now have.
When I saw this, it brought new strength within. My fear seems to have vanished. I no longer want to avoid situations. There is something to learn & overcome round every corner. I know I knew this all along. What was the difference? Well, it is the difference between knowing something & experiencing it. It is the difference between the mind & the self.
Thanks to the book I've been reading. I am not blindly believing the book here. But it has definitely helped me to see things from a different perspective. And that has made all the difference.
It is complete unlearning. You believe so many things when you are a child. But as you grow up, you dampen all those beliefs instead of seeking the truth. Survival becomes top priority. And then when you actually start seeking, you throw away all the garbage you've collected over the adult years so you could go back to your childhood, with the only exception: they are not just beliefs anymore.
Truly a worthy life. Every minute of it.

Maybe I am weird

I went for a walk today. Temperature reading -13C something. But the wind was howling horrendously. I wanted to feel the wind on my face. But G gladly gave my balaclava to save my face. As I walked out, a neighbor greeted. Seeing me all geared up, he said, "I don't think you are going out now. It is -29C". The windchill, he meant. I smiled & walked down.
The minute I walked out into the cold, I realized, "-29C! What was I thinking???" I just had one layer of Jeans. The magic # is 15 or -15 to be specific. If the temperature reads below the magic#, I should be using 2 layers. Even more, snow pants. Alas! Too late. I could not feel my thighs in a little bit & the wind was bellowing from behind. I did not think of my way back just yet.
I decided to walk as much as I could. It felt so good. Just being in that pinching cold. I was decently dressed. Winter boots, jeans, a down jacket over a t-shirt, gloves, balaclava & my parka's hood. I was considerably warm. But my eyes were seeing & feeling the cold. All the drifting snow was slowing me down. I realized, "Why should I speed, anyways? I am taking a walk." And so I allowed myself to slow down.
That same minute I slowed down, I began to notice things that I would otherwise oversee.
I thought not of all the mighty animals- the bears, the deers, the wolves. But the sparrow came to mind. Yes. We have sparrows here, very similar to the ones back in India, but these are probably a tad on the healthier side. Apparently, they cannot hibernate & they live in a small enclosure outside our apartment. They fly to & fro. Maybe to keep themselves warm. I don't know if their numbers diminish in winter. But I see them surviving every minute of every day. I was so hesitant to place some bird feed outside for them the other day. I did not want to alter their habitat.
Anyways, today, I developed a heartfelt respect towards these tiny birds. It is no joke surviving the winter here in the open.
On my way back, I felt the wind. 50km per hr says the weather channel. The workers who were clearing up snow from the sidewalk, gave me a weird look. I smiled at them from inside my balaclava. Too bad they could not see it. :)
It was a short walk. Next time, I will make it longer.
Everyone should take such a walk in a blizzard/cyclone/storm. It definitely aids in looking at life differently. If we survive to tell the story, that is.