Petrichor

Seven days!!! And not a ray of Sun, What all I had did not matter. Every ounce of me longed for one ray of  it. And now, when it finally brightens the sky, my heart skips a beat. It hurts to see all the snow fall off the leaves. How can I have both? How can I have it all? Yet it seems only that will make me happy. The seasons happen. In time. Every year. How much I want a season to last? Every single time. How much resistance I have to face something new? Yet it happens.  The Sky clearing out  I stood my ground to take it all in.  I just was.  Tried to grasp the world through my senses. For a moment, I was glad I had my camera, then, alas! what camera can see that my eyes do?  O Elusive mind, what are you?  When did you start ruling me? How did I succumb to you? Are you separate from me? Who am I?

Life after Samyama is very different. I don't remember how life was before knowing certain truths. Nor do I know a way to go back there. In many ways, it feels like a one-way trip. Recently, I had the opportunity to watch the IYC streaming on Sadhguru's birthday. I have no clue in what state I was within myself. I was not prepared for the surprise that hit me. Tears just swelled in my eyes. A friend asked why? what?  I wish I knew. Maybe not. His talk shattered my world. Every birthday, I need to celebrate my life with enough awareness that I will not have it forever. I should think about death on my birthday. My death. Quite a feat! But the thought that is troubling me most is ... Who am I? Caught up in this world, running behind things that matter less in reality, worrying about things/people on what I have no control of, caring for my own knowing that these were all I clearly grabbed recently. Who the hell am I? Renounciation is definitely used in a negative sense....

This Summer is spelt and felt in Vancouver, BC for the family. It is a crazy land. Hippie land. water-land. Hope land. Ridiculously beautiful land. Many more positives hold good here. The city is so close to my perception of San Francisco, only better. I have never seen this city with more grateful eyes. But my first view of Vancouver was not this great. If Vancouver is the big city, Calgary is the quaint, faint town/village. And it definitely felt so the first couple of days. My being was filled with thoughts at the first sight of homeless people. Where did they come from? Are there such people here too, in Canada? The freeze-to-death winter in Calgary probably made them non-existential there. And it took me this city to realize that I had settled down in my own world(with my own idea of it, of course)...in just over 2 years!!! I found myself looking in all directions. I had no clue where I was. Not to bother what I was doing here. I was everything from resistant to suspiciou...

I've been wanting to write about my 8 day silence program ever since I got back home. But every single time I attempted to write about it, I would turn blank. After a while, I did not want to write about it at all. Four months after the program, I am not sure I realize the magnitude of its effect on me. I can definitely feel and see the changes. Almost like a new ME. Only that, if it is ME or me, doesn't seem very significant now. I don't claim that I have been there, done it all. No way! There are still so many struggles that I go through. So many things that bother me. But, somewhere, it is ok. Whatever be it. It's just OK. I don't have the need to be emotional. As much. It is so much easier to detach myself from most situations if I really wish to. What all we had to go through in the name of preparations for the program? The daily practices!!  The diet!!  The schedule changes!!! When I sat for the program, I wanted to feel, "This is it. This is th...

My last few hours in India. At the very famous Delhi T3. S asleep. I was dead exhausted physically, from carrying around a sleeping girl through immigration and security. Added to it was the fact that the flight departed at 3.00 am. I would've gladly accepted a "grumpy" label. G took a walk to refresh himself while I settled to slumber on the floor below S(lying on a sofa). He returned back & asked me to go around so I try to open my eyes in time for departure. He asked me to take a good 1 hr. But I promised him I will be back in 20 min. I planned to look around the airport, as it truly seemed to be the best Indian airport I have seen thus far(the only other is Chennai, which doesn't technically count as an International airport per say). As I continued looking on, my eyes seemed to give up on me. And then I saw it.  india. explore. ishana OMG! How did I not remember? er, how did I forget in the first place? Bells rang in my ears. Isha...Theerthkund...

Today, S turns 4. We decided to celebrate it at her school. I am not sure I have mentioned earlier that S's teacher is a person of tremendous capabilities. Many kids that turn up at the school are kids whose parents could not afford to go there. She takes little money from some & none from others. Recently, she informed me of a boy who will be joining for a few months, because....he would live only for those months. He is a 6 yr old diagnosed with brain tumor that is cancerous. And he has been granted 8 months of life, if everything goes well. I felt for this boy. But had not seen him until today. He looks like a normal 6 yr old who cannot do so many things. He has stitches across his head. He cannot eat cream from a cake. He cannot tolerate loud noise as it would hurt his head so much. Practically, everything that a 6 yr old will want to do. But he doesn't seem to complain. And here I was. Discussing things about S's education to her teacher. Suddenly, everything ab...

2011 was not just another year. Some beautiful things happened. Visited Bay area, attended powerful programs, saw the Devi, ecstatic after a friend's visit, made new commitments, drove to Alaska, enjoying a pleasant winter, and now gearing up for an experience-of-a-lifetime early next year. Could not have asked for anything better; Grateful for each lesson learnt; Looking forward to THE trip to India. It feels like home. Always! I can't wait to smell the air,...people....look awed at all the new changes as we drive out...mmm... Lots of adventure - me alone with S for over 24 hrs!!! Lots of shopping Lots of meeting & greeting Lots of yummy food A visit to the beach, hopefully :) Staying awake a whole night And LOTS of meditation!!! 2012...Can't wait. I am all yours!

I read Sadhguru's article recently here . While I dramatically make big issues about receiving, this man shows it on my face that I am receiving in more ways than I know. And now I realize that blatant truth. It took me a day to shake the shock out of me & face reality. It seems so natural(& mechanical) to think so many times about receiving something from someone. I think about repaying it someway/somehow until I actually do so. Life is not about ethics or morals like I've been taught growing up. It seems much simpler than that. As a kid, this seems simple. But after all the complexities I am caught up with, it is an eon in itself to carefully "unlearn" everything I learnt so carelessly. Sometimes, when I am caught up with, "Oh, how do I teach her(S)how to handle this? How do I teach her how to share? How do I change her attitude to these things?", I catch myself settle & realize that I need to just let her be herself instead of pushing my garba...

Woke up to snow this morning. :) First snow of the season. Made all of us smile, specially S. S wanted to dress up warm & go out to play in the snow to make snow balls, but it melted away by then. Then it became sunny. On the way to pick up S from school, from nowhere I saw a weird shape of a cloud. I was really wondering what would this cloud bring. In less than a minute, HAIL...where I was. but 1 km away the sun was shining bright. I love this lovable city. The top reason for the love is the city's unpredictable weather. Can't really say Winter is here. Can't say it is not here as well. Weird. But every bit beautiful. :)

One of those flashy thought days!!! Today: Deepavali. When did I grow up? When did I learn to cook? When did I know how to take care of a kid? When did I outgrow being around my mother? When did I stop wanting to be taken care of like a kid? Seems like yesterday, Amma was braiding my hair. Today, I am combing S's hair to grab a pony. Seems like yesterday, I was holding Amma's hands wherever I went. Today, I am running behind S to hold my hand. :) Seems like yesterday I heard Appa say, "Wow! You make us feel like we have 4 people in this house". Today, I enjoy the quietness when S goes to sleep. Seems like yesterday, Amma would kiss me through the night as I would not allow her to do it in public. Today, S smiles & kisses me when she wakes up. Seems like yesterday, I would compel Amma to watch a movie with me. (she would not wish it, but still watch it with me). Today, S forces me to do the same. I feel like Amma. But still do it sometimes. Definitely yesterday, wh...

It interests me to realize how much I can settle down. Being so high in latitude, 4000 ft abv sea level and so close to the Rockies...yet I expected somewhere for the Summer to last(not forever, at least a little longer). Well! at least Fall. The weather over the last few days have been so alarmingly different through the day. Two days ago when G mentioned that the low was -4C, I was like, "WHAT???" Seems like I was in la-la land all along. Seriously, when did Fall fall away? Six months of grrr weather ahead. It gives me the chill just thinking of it. I honestly forgot how cold it gets. How cold does it feel!!! No Calgarian is (probably) prepared or ready to welcome it. But it comes. When it has to. :) Today was a different day(like every single day). As I was driving S to her school, I saw the weather change. It wasn't subtle anymore. I smiled. It was beautiful. How nature has its ways of waking me to reality? I am in no way prepared to think of the next few months. But ...

I have not been hibernating. Trust me. On the contrary so much has been happening in life, my life, our life that I am at loss of what to write about. Should I write about incredible Canada, where every corner I look shows me a family from a country so far away? Should I write about our travels, our recent road trip to Alaska which has changed me unlike any other road trip? Should I write about Munira , S's pre-school teacher, who goes to India to volunteer with organizations & sets up montessori schools there? Should I write about how S is teaching me every single day to be a mother? Should I write about how grateful I've been feeling about my parents lately for they allowed me to be ... just me? Should I write about the joy I have when I see my school? How so many emotions are tied up with that second home? I could pour my heart out & still barely scratch the surface. I feel blessed. To have all these people in my life, I currently have.

I have been watching myself lately. I am so much happier. So much more joyful. I feel life within. I breathe. I smell. I enjoy. I respond. All the simple things in life matter so much more to me now than ever. I feel like a child in many ways. I enjoy music. I enjoy the sun...seriously, that is a big deal for me. I enjoy the storms. I enjoy good company. I enjoy being alone. In so many ways, I feel fulfilled. I do not worry about a tomorrow, though I plan for it. I am able to do so many things with abandon. As if I don't care. Truth is I care too much. About what I do. Not about the outcome. It is freedom in many ways. Some people may call it liberation. But it seems too big a word, right now. Freedom is fine. Happiness seems just right. :) Having S around definitely adds to the beauty, as she is so full of life too. I seem to be attracting intense & joyful people too :) I am grateful. For what I am today. Thanks to Isha.

I really do not want to make a statement or judgement. But something happened today & I realized that generalizing this could be ok...of course with exceptions, as usual. Older people have seen more. They have lived more. So, they should be happier...right? Well, I have mostly seen it to be au contraire. Today, me & S were at the Garden. We have an organic plot, where we grow organic vegetables. Actually, we have just started. So, I was respectfully sowing all my seeds. There is no way S would just sit & SEE me do it for 45 minutes. She had better things to do; Like digging the mud, getting all dirty, watering plants, blowing a dandelion. You know, STUFF. And I let her do it. As if I have options, huh? But I ask her to let me know where she goes(within the garden of course) & I check on her every couple of minutes. Knowingly, she would also raise her head every few minutes to meet my eyes. On one such eye contact, I saw her lifting a big stone & putting it somewhere...

with a BANG. I am completely blown over. And the party of life has begun! The intensity of just 3 days was way more than the total intensity of my entire life. The whole world seems like a whole new place. And I feel so privileged to be a part of this. Every person I see seems to be a part of me & I feel like I am a part of every single thing around me. It feels strangely wonderful. When it comes to Isha, I am always at a loss for words because what I experience is way beyond than words can express. The ashram, Mahima, the residents, the volunteers, the food, the work - everything is powerfully humbling. Every moment of everyday, whatever happens there & the impact of what is happening there is just too much to even comprehend. The volunteers, how many ever times I look at them, just the way they are, the way they served us food, the very willingness of how much they want to be a part of making this happen to participants like me is overwhelming. BSP was different. Very differ...

I am blessed to have the opportunity to meet some wonderful people everyday. When I take S to classes. Those people don't work. The work they do cannot be done if they have no passion in what they do. So, I often have inspiring talks with some of them to hear their experiences from over the years. Each of them have been dealing with children all their lives. Their stories are...dramatically inspiring, to say the least. One was a case worker in the North-really North, where the temperature dips to -40C when the Sun never shows up(& those are many days). It was disheartening to know they would need a Children case worker in such areas. The enlightening information I received through him was that the natives, unlike I expected, are abused by drugs. They load themselves with alcohol heavily & constantly force their children(some as young as 3 years) to drink as well. Why? was my first question. The answer was disgusting to say the least. Apparently, the government pays them to ...

Point Reyes. Pacific coast. The famous 101. Golden Gate. San Francisco skyline. The sequence of what I saw as I landed into this country. Familiarity. Smile. I know places like the back of my head and it sure felt like home. Home for 7 wonderful years. Even in my wildest dreams I did not think I would find myself in SFO and someone would pick me up. It seemed surreal. Too good even for a story. I am probably creating drama, but this city brought back memories. Sadhguru's Shambhavi Program & Yantra consecrations! I did not think what I'd receive being here. I just came. I could not be anywhere else. And what I have received is more than I even realize right now. Just being in such a space, doing what I could do, in the most efficient way possible that there is no me anymore. That is the best part of being a Volunteer. Each of us do everything possible to make this happen for others, WILLINGLY. There is really no difference between me & others. We all become one with one ...

S turns 3 today. She is absolutely bubbly & loving now & is pretty excited about cutting a cake. She can speak & understand Tamil & English & can effectively push me away from a store that does not interest her. She needs a cuddle to go to sleep & is capable of making me listen to her. :) She has been my best gift so far & I truly bow down to her for being so patient with me. I am logging as much as I can about her & her growth, the first 3 years of her life. Not because I want to show her how much she has grown or how much she has learnt from me. But because she has taught me soooooo much. I am grateful to her for every lesson of love, affection, forgiveness, sadness, happiness, adventure, challenge & most of all patience. It has been quite a ride. And she guided me through each one of them. Some people have already started forcing me to think about a sibling for S. But fortunately, I had thought about it much earlier. The happiness I get from her i...

One more place I associate good memories with. It has been -20C & below for the last 2 weeks. Some snow & a lot of Ice. White everywhere. I feel cold. Intense cold. Ideally, I should be depressed. Most residents are. But, I am not. I am grateful to witness the white beauty...and the silence that comes with it. I am grateful for the heater ...I would not be alive otherwise. Truly! :) I am grateful for the joy that comes to me when I go out in the cold weather...of course, dressed appropriately. I am not complaining, but my cold tolerance is better than that to heat. Don't ask me how I survived Chennai heat for so many years. It was definitely not this hot then...thanks to global warming. The cold is teaching me so many things. It makes me observe negligible things. I feel deeply grateful for the winter. That said, I am eagerly waiting for the Spring. :)

I am not an avid shopper. Okay, I am becoming one...sometimes. So, I had to go to the mall to buy something specific. But got drifted towards Old Navy. S stepped in & had one look at the insides. She immediately knew that it was not a toy store or a candy store or a play area. One look at me & she says, "Amma chalooo"(pointing hand in the exact opposite direction of the store) making a body language used by farmers to move the bulls. As in Go, go, go. She stops it only if I make the move in the said direction. Heights of embarrassment when performed in a crowded mall. This is not the first time, but I am still dumbstruck. Needless to mention G is a happy father, extremely proud of his daughter. Ugh, family!!!